Stories

i’m afraid of people like him. people who are cheerful, really really cheerful. these kind of people always has a hidden, darker side that they choose to hide with their so called “joy”. but yet i choose to surround myself with these people, because they choose to reveal that troubled side they have to me, so that we know we can still be human, still be plagued by problems, but yet still laugh about it. as for him… i really have no idea what is the dark side he is hiding away so well.

maybe it is his past? about how he struggled to grow up amidst poverty? but he is doing well now isn’t he? then again i suppose these insecurities continue to plague a person even if they manage to break out of their poverty cycle. the fear of reverting back to the life of hardship. no i know he’s not afraid of that, he is more afraid for his mother dealing with that than him. so yea. maybe that’s what he’s trying to hide by being so happy-go-lucky all day long. oh wait no. he’s not even happy-go-lucky, his cheerfulness has a very disturbing tense-ness to it that… i’m not sure other people notice, but is very very obvious to me. such a paper-thin defence that can be seen through so easily, but underneath that is a very very thick layer of defence that i couldn’t even scratch the surface of.

occasionally he has shown me glimpses of his heart, but the defence barrier has never been striped away. and i guess what got me uncomfortable was that he kept asking me to bare myself to him, when he doesn’t do that himself. maybe that was why i felt so insecure with him, even though i know that he can protect me, but only physically. mentally and emotionally, he had a lot of baggage to deal with, so i knew (early on perhaps) that there was no way he can protect me in these 2 aspects. was i too naive, too idealistic, to have pushed it on? i think i was. i tried my very best to be positive, to have hope, but in the end our little fairytale ended, and i gave up first. maybe he hasn’t forgiven me for that, so he’s not talking to me at all now.

that brings me to the next point. he absolutely does not talk to me at all. and i still can’t wrap my head around that. it’s your fault uncle, you’ve made me expect him to continue a “friendship” after a relationship. but then i remember, we never had a friendship before our relationship. we were lovers way before we even thought of a friendship. is that another reason why? i don’t know i don’t know… all i know is he makes me feel as if all the things we’ve done last time didn’t mean enough for him to even think about maintaining a friendship with me. he makes me feel inadequate, and i hate to feel that way because i already know that i am. ahh… i used to say to myself, no friendships after a relationship, but now it just sounds cruel to me. having a friendship after a relationship tells the other party that, hey you’ve done things to hurt me, and i’ve done things to hurt you, but all that is done, and i appreciate you enough to still want you in my life.

now i understand uncle’s standpoint on this. and i totally agree with him. then again, is the idiot waiting for me to make the first move? i don’t know. all i know is i’m not as spontaneous as that. and if he is waiting, then too bad because i’m not gonna make the first move. i sound evil don’t i? well i’m still a conservative girl. and i really have nothing to say if i lose this friendship, because i never knew how life was like with him as a friend anyway. why miss something you’ve never experienced before? and anyhow he seems to be perfectly fine with the others, so i shall leave him to that.

i guess what i really wanted to say was… i’m just hurt that the others would go out with him and everything, but they’ve never asked me along for anything. maybe they didn’t know that i was staying for winter, so they assumed i was away for farmwork. but it just sucks to be the one left out in the cold doesn’t it? and that’s how i feel right now. i am not needed, so therefore i will not need! simple isn’t it? sounds like a woman with a vengeance if you ask me. but that’s the way they make me feel. i was never that close to them, and perhaps i will never be. you can’t make friends out of everyone.

but what’s this sense of disappointment that weighs down so heavily? is it that i’m disappointed in them not wanting to include me in their little gang, or disapointment in myself for not having tried hard enough to fit into their gang?

i hate feeling inadequate. seriously.

i’ve never felt so alone before, and i’ve never felt so at ease with it. my mom is not coming to visit me. baby’s becoming increasingly irritating and missing, hubby’s missing too. friends are away at farmwork, went home, or are busy with family/boyfriend. serious. all those whom i’m close with are all not here.

what’s that’s really getting to me is that he is totally enjoying his time. or maybe that’s what it seems like. looking at the amount of activities going on in his life just puts me to shame. what have i done to move on from this and enrich my life? nothing. i wanted to do something this holiday. and yes i did it, by securing a farmwork. but as mom says, that’s just 2 weeks. what about the other 2? and that made me speechless. i really had no plans.

perhaps you should work? naaah… there ain’t jobs that last for 2 weeks. maybe go around to visit other suburbs? hmmm but transport is expensive. ok then… how about doing some exercises in the neighbourhood? it’s way too cold! you get the drift don’t you?

i feel ashamed of myself. of my procrastinations. and i know when i look back on these 2 weeks in the future i would regret not having done anything significant. well the only significant thing i did was to watch anime. and slack. i can spend 1 whole week not stepping out of the building, and i am so disgusted by my own actions. but yet… i still have not done anything. i’m still sitting here, typing this lame post, chomping away on my dinner and feeling bored.

well the coming week is gonna be the last week i have to slack before going away for farmwork on the 14th. that should keep me entertained, tired and worn out for the next 2 weeks before school starts. and then it’s back to another busy semester, with more difficult things to learn and memorise. will this holiday help to recharge me? i don’t know. i’m just so frustrated by my lack of conviction now.

i say i’m not afraid of being alone. and i mean it. but no one, no one can fend off that sense of loss and emptyness that comes with being alone. it takes a strong heart to resist that and stay off the track to self-destruction. or else it takes a dull heart, like mine, to block out the associated pain. now i know what he means when he says the spark died. i think mine just did. or has it been dead for so long, and my heart has been so frozen it never realised that? i don’t know. but there is nothing i can do now but to tough it out.

just survive for this week baby. you might not be affected by the whole being alone thing, but no one can do without a bit of attention. maybe that’s why kc is directing his attention to you. it’s not love or anything like that. it’s just a desperate clinging onto something that helps to keep one occupied. or should i say, clinging onto someone. maybe that’s why i can’t let go of him too, even though all that he says are do now just seems to be for the purpose of irritating me. because i know, as of now, there is no one i can cling to.

speaking of that… why is it that guys like to mention other girls to girls they are interested in? is it a way of checking out if the girl of interest is actually interested in them to the point that they will be jealous of that act of mentioning another girl? or is it just a guy thing, to need to talk about that pretty girl they saw on the streets that day, even if it’s to another girl? i’m not getting jealous that kc likes to talk about girls that turn him on or stuff like that. it’s just kind of incomprehensible for a girl to talk about that to a guy? or vice versa. what am i supposed to say? to sound jealous? or to sound happy for them? or to sound cheeky? wakaranai.

stop thinking that you’re grown up baby. the truth is you are far from it. the way you talk about stuff… it’s an attempt to resolve the amount of emotions you have, but the way you deal with them is just not there yet. the way you talk about girls… the way you talk about… physical intimacy? lol. fancy dandy word. maybe you’re not revealing that side to me. but what you’re showing me now is what that’s making me give you the nickname of baby. you’ll always be a baby. but sadly not mine. as this drags on i am getting more and more convinced of this. but it’s ok, because i know that one day you’ll realise that too. and you’ll slowly let go of this, with both of us escaping unscathed in this little adventure of yours.

ahh…

well today’s topic is slightly sensitive so i’m not even gonna tag it. hmm quite a bad timing to be blogging about this when the exams are just around the corner (meaning TMR). but i just had to blog this after reading so many people’s blogs after the past few days.

i sincerely believe that people can live just as well without a religion. no doubt we have gone through milleniums of praying, worshipping and idolizing a person or a belief. but even scientists are baffled at the origin and the primitive “use” of a religion (how ironic). it doesn’t satisfy hunger. it doesn’t satisfy a desire. it doesn’t result in reproduction and the passing on of genetic materials (contrary to that in some religions nowadays!). it doesn’t keep one safe. it doesn’t help one “grow”, in the physical sense. but it has been postulated that primitive people might have used this concept of a higher being to help explain all the unexplanable things happening around them.

sounds like a reasonable explanation to me. we have science nowadays to do the job of explaining, hence taking over the primitive role of religion in the world today (of course there are rare exceptions). but religion still persists. why? well i think it’s a way to prove our humanity: the belief that there is a higher being, and that we humans have realised that, is proof of our rationality, of our very presence on this earth. which i think is a load of bullshit of course, but more than half the world’s population would disagree with me.

i believe that there are certain things that are ingrained within our conscience and our minds. the very basic nature of being a human. that we need to eat, we need to breathe, and these are things we fight for. the desire to express ourselves (and hence the creation of this blog). even the desire to kill, to rob, to battle, just for our survival and our mental well-being. but of course throughout the creation of communities and societies, basic society etiquette has also been imprinted upon our minds. morality, integrity, trustworthiness, respect, loyalty. how killing someone for any purpose (other than for self defense perhaps) is absolutely wrong. how we should help that old lady across the road, because it is right to do so. these are our basic instincts.

people don’t need religion to tell them what is right or what is wrong. there are the clear cut stuff that even a kid can tell you that it’s right or wrong (ok depending on the nature of the kid then… and how old he is). i don’t need religion to tell me that kicking a kitten in its face is wrong, that it hurts the kitty, and that i’m compromising its welfare. i don’t need religion to tell me that stealing is wrong, though the purpose behind it might be meaningful. and there are the nitty gritty stuff. all the grey stuff out there that cannot be classified as being absolutely right, or absolutely wrong. and of course, the world is mostly made out of stuff like this.

but i still don’t need religion to help me define these grey areas. i define it according to my own beliefs, brought about by my own upbringing, my family, and the society i live in. good thing about this is, sometimes i can bend these beliefs to suit different situations, and not have to find awkward and unconvincing ways around them to accommodate my religion. take for example our recent quiz. 1 friend failed it. just before the quiz he could feel God’s presence around him, as if helping him, lifting him, blessing him. but he failed. if it was me, i would just take it as either i haven’t worked hard enough for the quiz, or there are some fundamental things i don’t understand about those topics. but no… he had to twist it around so that he can explain what God wanted of his from this failed attempt. “would i believe in Him even in the worst of times? even if things do not go my way? but i can never doubt His presence in my life! this just strengthens my belief in him…” any mention of working harder for the next quiz? no. any mention of it being his own fault? no. just praises for a God that purposely failed him to “teach him a lesson about his belief in Him”.

i do know that religion serves as a soft backing for some should they fall. it serves as a mental support for them, if things should fail. “it didn’t work out this time, but He is always looking out for me”. to me, this is like taking a short cut through life. they can accredit everything that happens in their life to that one person up there. they always think that there is someone up there planning their lives for them, that there is someone helping them along, and that someone will make things better. it’s like people who say, everything is fated, and leave it as that. they don’t actively fight for their “destiny”, since God has already planned it for them. but for me, i don’t have that luxury of leaving my life to someone else. i plan my own life. and when i fall, i pick myself up again. and it is this understanding that has resulted in the me today, knowing that i have no one to fall back on, that i need to work hard for what i want and what i deserve. sometimes i wonder if i’m jealous of these people. but then again, i don’t think i would enjoy having my life revolving around a religion. i would feel trapped.

he says, there is a panic button in us that we ignore during daily life, but when that panic period comes, the presence of a religion in our life helps to tide us through the tough times during which the panic button is switched on. people refer to these ideals and principles that their religion teaches them. they are wise sounding indeed. but for some religions (some more so than others), these religious texts and beliefs are but written by fellow human beings. they might seem a bit more holy than usual, they might seem a bit more wise than most, but they are humans at the end of the day. and i believe that, if we dig deep enough, there is that wise soul inside every one of us. i don’t need a religious text to teach me that we have been too misled by our senses. i don’t need a religious text to teach me to appreciate my surroundings, to appreciate what i have, to give thanks for my senses.

i guess you can see that i get pretty fired up about religion. i treasure my free status, and would do whatever i can do defend this stance. i know that you’re extremely contented with your religion and the joys it has brought you. but stop trying to force that on others. some joys don’t need to be shared.

i’m tired of conforming myself to you… we exist on 2 totally different levels. and unless either one of us is willing to bridge this gap, then it’s gonna be quite impossible between us. i can’t go back to being childish, and you can’t grow up huh. grow up, cos i’m not gonna grow down.

have i been so blinded by my expectations of myself that i’m failing to see the expectations others have of me? please stop making me feel guilty.

stop feeling guilty over this. i’m warning you. stop blaming yourself for everything that has happened. stop feeling bad. stop stop stop. time to start lovin’ yourself sista. peace out.

confronting question: would you go out with someone you think you won’t/don’t want to marry? this is what has been bugging me for the past few days. there’s that feeling in my bones that keeps nagging, don’t play around anymore… just find someone decent and settle down… you’re not young anymore… but… the presence of kc has disrupted everything. he is someone i am interested in, but someone i… don’t want to marry? or at least i don’t think i will marry. to me, marriage and love are 2 very different things. if i can marry the man i love, good. if not, too bad. i do seem extremely practical don’t i? i want a good lover, and i want a good husband. when i reach that point in time when i can get married, i would rather look for a good husband than a good lover. most of the time, these 2 qualities are not found on the same man. which is quite a waste actually.

kc… i think he… isn’t a good lover. definitely won’t be a good husband and father as of now. but i am really interested in him, and i want to see how far we can carry this game. the way we treat other is just so… weird. we’re not friends, we’re not lovers. we’re something in between. he tells me things about following pretty girls to look at them. i am still quite amused by that. well at least i won’t tell that to a guy i liked. but he makes me feel special (doesn’t it always start like this). then again i think that it’s because there is no one else in his life now except for my “presence”. ahh… which falls right back into the 1st category of my 2 types of relationships. it feels so flimsy, this thing. how can it last? i just can’t understand that.

kc’s a good kid… he’s weird, he’s sweet, he’s funny, and he has a soothing baby voice. doesn’t seem to match any of my requirements. intellectually stimulating? hmmm naaah… gentlemanly… nope not really. mature? oh hohohoho never. so why? why have i allowed myself to show so much interest in a man i won’t have looked at twice? i guess different circumstances do bring together unexpected pairings. as i have described before, we were lonely, we were tired. and then we found each other. sounds cliched and touching, but it isn’t. not to me anyway. it just sounds so thin and fake. i want to fall in love with someone not because they were the ones beside me when i was sad and down, but because they were with me when i was up and happy and i can still feel their love. when i’m vulnerable, my heart will thrash out and grab at any passing support. and i won’t know how to differentiate between gratitude and love. and i’m tired of being misled by my brainless heart. pun intended.

if i can do it all over again… i think i would have started dating earlier. then i would have had a better idea of what i want from a relationship now. i would have also gotten to know enough guys to realise what i want in a man too. but as of now, i’m happy, being with kc like this. we give each other loads of space (too much in my opinion), but yet we manage to keep each other wanting more. we go out and frolick in the day, but at night we come back to each other.

would i start a relationship with a man i might not marry? i think… i would love to give him a chance, to see if he can change into someone i would like to spend the rest of my life with.

can love be wrong? can you fall in love with the wrong person?

consider this. you’ve just entered a new environment. you spot someone who is pretty decent among the new friends you’ve made. he/she isn’t your dream lover, but hey it’s good enough. you keep each other company. you talk frequently. you share a bit of commonality. and he/she looks hot enough. someone decent who has come along when you needed someone.

alternatively… it has been quite a while since you have known him/her. throughout the years you were just friends, nothing more, nothing less. but as the times go by, you start to feel that he/she complements you. you’ve gotten used to each other’s presence, you’ve learnt about each other’s quirks and habits. someone good enough for you that has been there for so long, and you’ve finally realised you would like.

i think there is a fundamental difference between the 2 scenarios i have just mentioned. and i realised both my relationships started out as the 1st one - the decent lover. someone who came along when i was feeling down, when i was feeling lonely and vulnerable, sneaked into my system, and destroyed me. ok it’s not all their fault i have a part to play in it as well. but it just makes me wonder. this kind of love… it makes me think that, it could have been any guy/girl who came along. it wouldn’t have made a difference. there was nothing fantastic about them, just that they happened to be at the right place at the right time. they weren’t the special one. i’d like to think that they’re the substitute one. they are the substitute for that emotional sustenance before we move on and find someone better.

heck i may be totally wrong with regards to this. i’m sure there are many many people who’s love fall into the 1st category. the 2nd category is actually quite rare. its often that love blossoms between 2 people when they are feeling the most vulnerable. but… somehow i want to experience the 2nd one. i want to enjoy that fulfilling feeling of being able to finally realise that hey, here is a special man i have known for so long and i want to love. and not the feeling of here’s any man who just saved me and i want to love.

meow.

i feel like being honest. being bare with myself. maybe it’s a stunt to increase readership (what for?). maybe it’s just the real me feeling sick of all the fakery i have weaved around myself. i want to let myself see all the stuff that i’ve done, to remember all the lies and truths i have hidden from myself. this is what makes up ME.

i have had 2 failed relationship. the first one lasted for 4 months, broken into 2 month periods with a 1 month break in between. it was with an online friend that i met on a game. we had sex. i was just a few months shy of my 19th birthday. i told myself before not to have sex till i was 19. my mom told me 21. i almost thought i got pregnant. thank goodness i didn’t. we had heavy petting before. he’s a good kisser.

the second one happened in year 1 of uni, when i was 19. it lasted for… i don’t even remember how long, but from april 2007 to feb 2008. with lots of breaks in between because we couldn’t meet up when we went back home for the holidays. we had sex too, on the night when we first got together. i always hated him for that. he is also a mother’s boy. his mother never approved of us being  together, to the point of threatening him to break up “or else”. i admit, i hated her for a while, but i thought we could work our way around it. my hopes in him was in vain. i don’t hate her anymore. i don’t hate him too. but i just can’t get rid of the bitter aftertaste of this relationship.

i have stolen comics from a small shop near my house before. think i must have stolen at least 10 books before my conscience kicked in and my sense of thrill was kicked out. i felt bad when that bookshop closed down a few years later.

i have cheated during exams before. it was in primary school, during the last few minutes of a math paper. i asked my friend and she pretended to drop an eraser on the floor and reached down to grab it with her paper in her hand. i copied. the teacher was out so she didn’t see. i felt good after that.

i once sprinkled baby powder all over the desk of my mom’s colleague. and stole some of her bookmarks. my mom had to clean it up before work the next day. she didn’t know about the bookmark.

i once tried to steal some (pretty) phonecards from my nanny. she found out and asked me gently to return it to her. i will never forget that sense of embarrassment and guilt.

my first kiss was given to a guy i met in primary 1, when i was 7 years old. we were curious about how kissing felt like after watching so much of it on tv.

i was in the trim-and-fit aka fat club in primary school, all the way till i was in secondary 1. i was really really fat.

i skipped NAPFA for my last year in JC. i passed everything but SBJ and didn’t go back for a retest. i think my teacher just let me pass.

can’t seem to remember more. but i will definitely update if i do.

her eyes fluttered open. her alarm clock was ringing. hai yet another day has begun. she closed her eyes, trying to savour whatever was left of that warm feeling of being asleep. she groaned and pulled her blankets off. as the wave of cold air hits her body frame, she winces as she quickly changes out of her pyjamas. what to wear today… well i am meeting him later… she slips into her inner wear and jumps out of bed.

the door to the cupboard was thrown open as she rummages through her million pieces of clothing. something warm, but yet something stylish… something thick, but yet something that doesn’t ruin her figure… ah this one then she thought as she pulled out her V neck knitted sweater. satisfied, she slips that over her head and puts on her jeans.

after a quick breakfirst, she zips up her boots and heads to school. it was going to be a long day, with 4 hours of lectures in the morning, and 3 hours of practical class in the afternoon. lucky him ends at 4… well he’ll just have to wait then. as every step brought her closer to school, she could only imagine what was in store for her.

…

during the 1st lecture, his sms came. hey kitty! morning! gossh i only woke up now gonna laaate damn… she smiled as she read his message. she sent a quick reply and returned her attention to the boring lecturer who was droning on and on about stuff she has never heard before.

…

it was finally lunch time. her heart skipped a beat, because that was when they usually met. but not for today. both of them had important practical classes in the afternoon, so they couldn’t afford to waste time walking across the campus to meet each other. she sighed as she opened her lunchbox. leftovers again… “hey!” her attention was snapped back to her surroundings. time to interact with the friends again…

…

OVER! she screamed silently as they filed out of the laboratory. but she couldn’t stop a silly grin from appearing on her face. “meeting boooooyfriend huh huh huh?” her girlfriends teased. “girls!” she tried to sound disapproving, but that just made them laugh, and made her smile more. they parted ways at the main entrance to the campus and she begins the long journey to meet him.

there he is! gosh he looks so good… she drew her breath in sharply, trying to control her excited heart, which was beating at its own crazy speed. his eyes met hers, and she could have sworn she would faint if it hadn’t been a public place. she saw his eyes light up before his lips broke into a grin. “hey.” “hey.” the two of them walked off.

we’re still so awkward after so long… she bit her lip as she stole a glance at him. his hair was being blown astray by the wind, and his eye lashes fluttering. she felt a blush coming up, and quickly looked away. “what?” “nothing…” her hands were swinging by her side. i wish he would hold my hands! gosh. be brave baby! she tried to brush pass his hands as innocently as she could, but decided that would be too childish. what is he thinking about… she wondered.

“you know, today…” “gosh it was so tiring…” they both started at the same time. a rush of blood to her cheeks made her face feel warm in the piercing wind. “you first,” she quickly added before he could respond. “dang not fair,” he retorted, faking a pout. she smiled and looked at him. she could see him working hard to maintain the pout, but failed spectacularly as he burst out laughing. “ok ok me first then… well today we…” she felt a light spring in her steps.

…

they reached the restaurant and went in to find a seat. after settling down, she kicked off her shoes and drew her knees up, curling up into a ball in her big seat. he smiled. “what?” “nothing… you’re really a kitty, kitty.”

…

it was the same silence during dinner again. that awkward, warm fuzzy silence that envelops them whenever they are together. she played with his feet underneath the table, much to his amusement. but on above the table, there was no conversation, no words, no nothing. to an outsider, they would seem very much like friends. but she knows they are so much more than just that.

…

they walked down to the train station. time to say goodbye again… she sighed, a little too audibly. “what’s wrong kitty?” “oh well… just that… it’s time to say goodbye again…” he fell silent. she felt his heart drop slightly. “but there’s always tomorrow!” she said that as cheerfully as she could without sounding too fake. “yea…” she grabbed his arm. “cheer up baby!”

…

he was on his way into the station already. beep went the card reader machine. he turned back and looked at her. she forced a smile onto her face and waved. he mouthed something. hmm what was he saying… better ask him tomorrow. she made a little mental note. he stepped onto the escalator and glanced at her. that look almost broke her heart. gosh don’t make saying goodbye so hard baby… she mouthed “hug hug” as he disappeared from view.

i do mean it when i say i miss blogging. i don’t think i’ve never realised how good a medium it is for me to vent my frustrations in, and i’ll never be able to do it justice with my sporadic blogging from time to time. but i’m sure it doesnt hold grudges against me anyway. thanks honey.

been totally bogged down by school work… and just about 8743568 other stuff? finally decided i had enough of mugging tonight and wanted to blog instead. and i’m glad i made that decision. another thing that always gets me when it comes to blogging is that i need to upload photos that i want to be on the blog. which always takes up so much time, and by the time i’m done uploading the 1762345 photos all the stuff i wanted to write about would have flown out of my head. but still, nothing says as much as a picture.

has been contacting mega intensively for the past… 2 weeks now i think? i think we’re both enjoying our role-playing. we are in a “relationship” that requires no form of commitment at all, but yet we are choosing to immerse ourselves in our roles. he’s the “hubby” and i’m the “honey”, and we greet each other these way on msn and in game. thank goodness not on the phone though, but we have tried it before (and had a good laugh about it too). i can understand why he would want that though. a nice little free relationship with no need for obliged commitment, but still deriving joy from the amount of company we get with each other. hopefully it does teach him a thing or two about being in a real relationship, although i do have to say i have been extremely understanding and tolerant as a “wife”. but i think he does know when his actions may cause jealousy and tries his best to “correct it”. not a bad catch, but too bad he is really way too young for me. almost a 2 year difference in age. and he’s still a bit childish, despite possessing some maturity much beyond his tender age of 19 (this year).

just a picture of a training guide dog that we saw at the GDV. beautiful animals.

as for kc… i think i do realise that it’s pretty impossible for us? we are quite fundamentally different people. he tends to get pretty emotional at times, but at other times he can be very bubbly. ok wait that sounds like me actually. but his bubbly is different from my bubbly! he still sounds like a kid. ok no that sounds like me too. that’s how i behave in front of people. but the me inside knows the difference between being childish and being child-like. i know when i’m behaving in a child-like manner that i’m not really childish? but i don’t think kc has realised that yet. or maybe he does and he’s not restraining himself. yet, at the same time i don’t want to leave him in that sense? i know i always read too much into stuff and i’m always too hopeful, which is something i need to fix. but at least for this time i realised it early on and haven’t dedicated too much into this fruitless relationship. so we’re still hovering at the cliff, but i’m slowing inching my way back to safety. and i will try my very best to pull him back as well. we are gonna walk out of this unharmed. that’s my most sincere wish for him. he has been hurt too many times, and i’m hoping this won’t be a repeat of all the crap he has been through. i just wanna be by his side as a (naggy motherly figure) caring friend, and to see how he’s gonna grow up. well technically he is, but i want to see how that child-like figure in him slowly learns to grasp the cruelty of the world, and slowly mature. and i want to be there to catch him if he falls. that’s the least i can do.

a picture of a street performer. i was so entranced by his guitar skills that i actually stopped and pulled my earphones out to hear him, even though i was on the opposite side of the road.

and i guess he felt my intense stare eh? hope it didn’t make him feel uncomfortable to have an admiring fan secretly snapping away at him behind his back. ok that actually sounded quite scary.

my life seems to be revolving around these 2 guys as of the moment. but don’t worry i have a life outside of them too. interesting to see how guys and girls are able to get so close, despite the negative connotations in the society about how a guy can’t be purely friends with a girl and vice versa. i tend to believe that, but yet i believe that we can suppress that side of us that wants to bring this friendship up a notch. so yeap, a guy and a girl can’t be purely friends, but it’s their behaviour towards each other that directs the course of their relationship. i don’t deny that i do feel a buzz for these 2, but yet i do know that they are childish fantasies that don’t come true. but yet it is this attraction between sexes that promotes the continuation of a friendship. that desire to “satisfy” each other and to “please” each other seems to be ingrained and hardwired into our minds when it comes to matters relating to the opposite sex. must have been an ancient survival requirement in the past that was preserved all the way till now.

hence, in conclusion… no worries this isn’t an academic essay. so tired of those already sheesh. but that should have given a clue to the direction of this paragraph. yup it is time to say goodbye… but it won’t be like the long drawn goodbyes i have with kc. we always wait till the last few minutes before i’m actually gonna hang up before we actually start talking a lot more to each other. ah well… still better than hanging up and wishing we could have said more. time for a bit of me time after a long day in school.

ta.

i’ve been thinking more and more lately as me and kc get close and closer. well kinda. at least he dares to talk more on the phone. have i really become so weary after just 2 failed relationships? the more i think about them, the more i feel as if i’m unable to… love? to commit? maybe that’s why i’m enjoying time with kc, because there is no need for any commitment between us. i still have no idea what status we’re at. are we… flirting? or already assumed to be together? or still just friends? i think we’re friends on the verge of jumping into a relationship, but have yet to take the plunge. the amount of carefree-ness we have, the amount of feelings we choose to reveal to each other, it’s totally up to us. there is no “i should do this” or “he should not do that”, rules that come with a full fledged relationship, but yet we’re close enough to know what we should say and do, and what we should not say and do. maybe i’m afraid of commitment too. without commitment, i don’t have to burden myself with my expectations of the other party, because i know he has no right to expect anything from me too.

it’s the expectations that bring me down. how i would hope he can do this, and feeling disappointed when he doesn’t. but as of now, i still don’t feel that biting sense of disappointment when kc doesn’t meet my expectations, because i know he has no need to. or maybe i’m just getting used to being disappointed…

but i do think i have become more… afraid of committing. i don’t want to get into another relationship for a long long time. time for me to recover from the scars, from the lurking shadows of my previous experiences. i’m so tired of getting hurt again and again, and i’m so tired of letting myself get hurt too. i want to enjoy this feeling i get from being with kc. we expect so little from each other, but yet somehow i think we’re able to give each other what we want. which is still an interesting concept for me, because i never expected that there exists such a state between a guy and a girl who are neither friends nor lovers. amusing…

on a pretty random side note, i recently recalled the guy who tried to suicide in school. and i started to wonder why i cried that day. was it because i pitied him, who tried to suicide because his gf tried to break up with him? or was it because i was afraid to die, after witnessing the vulnerability of life up close? was i crying because i saw the look of absolute fear, but yet absolute love in the faces of those who tried to help him? or was i crying for all the people who were hurt by him because he hurt himself? i really don’t know. all i know is, those were real tears, after a drought of emotions for so long. and it was so good to taste the oasis again.

my my look at the date.. it has been more than 2 weeks since i’ve updated! so sorry if anyone actually bothers to check this blog for updates. been extremely busy with school and my game (ok more so the game i think). school - lots of notes to sort out, a project to finish, another i’ve yet started on. game - training for a friend, and i’m getting married to mega soon. HAHA. ok that was so unexpected isn’t it? well it’s just a game, and we’ve said, it is going to be a marriage of convenience, so that we can do one of the quests together. but is it just a nagging little bug in my tummy that’s telling me he might like me? or maybe i’m reading too much again. but we throw stuff like “i miss you” and “must be thinking too much of you” etc around too, so i suppose it’s just a game after all. but the whole idea of marriage has thrown us into a frenzy. i told him to call me missus and i’ll call him mista. just like the good ole’ farming days aye? the missus has whipped up a good ole hearty meal for the mista! as he says, for the fun of it. i’m just hoping kc won’t find out, or won’t kick up a big fuss because of it.

in school, we went for this mini workshop the department organised for us. it was pretty fun and intriguing at times. and we went for this lecture about happyiness, and what defines it. the lecturer asked, when was the last time you felt really happy? i was so tempted to say, the night before. because i was talking to kc that night. and it’s true. no one makes me smile like he does. as she went on to define what happyness is (which is a combination of joy and meaning), it just struck me how… happy i am now. no doubt i’m more “alone” than compared to last year, but who’s to say the physical company i had last time could compare with the emotional company i have now? and it’s not only kc when it comes to that. even mega is keeping in contact with me now, calling me every now and then to chat about… our game (what else could you expect?). but it’s all good. we keep each other company.

the other night i was talking to kc, and he was sick. my heart absolutely wrenched in its little cavity when i heard him cough. don’t know why but i rarely feel this way. broke my heart to hear him coughing like that. poor baby… and so that got me thinking about what kind of future we would have. i can’t say that i love him (not to a “ficitional” character on the phone no), but i can’t deny the fact that i do feel a slight buzz around him. which then caused me to think about mega. i’m trying my best not to read into his words and actions, but i just can’t help feeling that he’s flirting with me. or that he has a tiny bit of feeling for me. tiny. but it’s there. yet again, he knows that another of his friend might be interested in me (i have no idea about that because that mutual friend is currently MIA), and he didn’t seem like the sort who will show interest in a girl that his buddy likes. then i reminded myself, he’s in army. army guys can do anything. seriously. and maybe it’s a bad thing, but his voice reminds me of my 1st, which is kinda scary…

i think i need to start restraining myself already. mega did tell me that he tends to over-read a person’s actions and words, so i must remind myself not to give him the wrong signals. a few mista-s here and there would suffice to keep our gaming life spiced up, but maybe it’s time to take it easy… he’s just a friend my dear. no need to keep him too close. it will end up hurting him more than it does me.

ok after a gap of a few days, this post should be ready to be posted. gosh. i really hope i don’t hurt mega. he seems to be getting more and more drawn into our roles. not that i’m reading anything into his honey-s and stuff, but yeap. i can feel it. restraint!

time for an update after this post. ciao~