Growing up?

been feeling a bit lonely lately… doing things i usually do with him alone now. going to the market, going out to buy stuff, buying rice… guess at the end of the day, i would rather still depend on myself, because other people just aren’t reliable enough for me to lean on. if that is so… i’d rather be with myself.

was pondering the other day. it could have been so easy for me to have slipped my hand through his, held his arm like i always did, touch his body… it could have been so easy for us both to have salvaged this dying relationship. just a word, just a touch, just a hug, just a kiss. why didn’t i do it? i kept asking myself. now i know. i finally know why i didn’t. i remember the pain too vividly. i can still feel that bitter after-taste of being put aside for so long. that uncomfortable-ness of knowing that i will never be his top priority.

i was no longer searching for instant gratification. and i hope i will never as well. i can almost imagine myself enjoying these few days before school, and after school starts the binding grip will once again be crushing down upon my heart. that dull ache, that silent bleeding, the draining emotions… i can almost feel them now. it’s not something i want to go through again… it’s too… devastating.

“i wish i can say i love you, but i can’t”

was that a feeble attempt to convince me that you still want me back? or is it just a weak attempt at convincing yourself that you still had feelings for me?

yup. maybe i am growing up. i no longer just want an instant gratification. i want a long term guarantee. i want long term stable-ness and commitment. i’m no longer a toy that people can throw around when they don’t need me anymore. everyone likes to feel like they’re needed ya? i’m no different. why should i be.

Thoughts of the other world

well it ended yesterday. with a nice clean cut i think. he wouldn’t really want to contact me much anyway… maybe we’ve held each other back from too many things. but then again, i dedicated myself with no regrets. as of now i don’t remember the joys, but i think i had fun. i wouldn’t have done anything differently if i had the chance to do it again. if there are any regrets, it lies in him only. i’m sorry he had to feel this way.

was thinking as i walked on the streets today, how would i feel when i die? what would be the thoughts running through my head at the instant my world ends? would i feel sad? happy? disappointed? satisfied? if that day had to be today, i would say… satisfied, more than anything.

it was a nice time on this planet. my life was rather boring, but it had enough excitement to last me through till now. i’ve finally experienced love, lots and lots of it, over the past 2 years. i’ve ridden its roller coaster, i’ve ridden through its river, i’ve ridden through its horror rides. all the pain, all the joy, all the could-haves, would-haves. i really can’t remember the joy bit, but i’m sure it must have been enjoyable.

joy is short-lived, pain is long term eh.

i haven’t found a best friend yet, i don’t even think i’ve found a good friend even. but i have lots of people around me who might just give a damn if i die. and that alone is enough for me. my parents, though not the best, were good enough during the times they were here. i have a wonderful extended family as well. my studies have not been disappointing, and i was on the right track to a desired career.

maybe, just maybe, i’ll be sad to leave without having any children, but that’s about the only regret i have. i’ve listened to the best songs i could have heard. my life has been filled with wonderful music. i’ve seen a baby chuckle. i’ve seen the most beautiful woman in my life smile at me. i’ve seen the warmth and glow in a cat’s eyes as she looked at me. i’ve had good food, i’ve had good drinks. i’ve enjoyed summer with the most scorching sun, i’ve suffered through winter with the most piercing winds and snow.

i’ve seen life, i’ve seen death. i’ve seen the strength, and the vulnerability of both. i’ve seen love, at its weakest and its strongest. i’ve seen hate as well, which was indeed a shocking experience. i’ve experienced religion, and frolicked in its absence.

what more can i ask for? well i know there are most probably a million other things i could have done, but no regrets. no regrets dying today.

won’t say the same for tomorrow though.

life’s like that.

living from day to day.

Insecurities

i am an extremely insecure girl. this is because i am… extremely practical? extremely rational? i can pick out a bone in an egg if i had to. if there was a superhero called super-rational-girl, i don’t think she’d last long. the real world is enough to destroy her.

or maybe it’s because i’m at that point in life where i’m looking for things that would last. no more buying cheap clothes racks, i’d rather pay more for a better one that would last me longer. no more buying cheap jewellery that have no long term use in my life. no more getting into relationships just for the sake of a fling, or for fun. no more.

i’m starting to keep my guard up against kc already. we’re just… too different. it was the same with my 1st as well. we were too different, people from different walks of life. no common topics, no similar interests… it was a relationship doomed to die on the very 1st day it bloomed. alas… silly me still decided to dedicate myself, pouring out all my efforts into that 2 month relationship. it almost killed me, but i came out colder, stronger, and even more alone.

and then i met this one. he was… perfect. similar personalities, rather similar interests. all my friends told me it was a good match. we thought so too. wham-bam, out of the blue something has to come along to ruin it for us. and now i’m dreading meeting him later. i don’t even know what to say to him. the sticky awkwardness between us is going to be there for a long, long time. how he let me down, and how i let him down as well.

and now kc. too different, too different. we have similar backgrounds, and that’s about it i guess. that’s the only thread that is tying us together, how we can relate to that immense loneliness in us. religion, interests, studies, careers, everything else separates us. especially that big gulf known as religion.

i’ve always been wary of it. i’m a free thinker and i treasure that a lot. it’s something i am not willing to let go off for the sake of someone else. maybe one day i will be convinced, but i will definitely not convert to anything for the sake of love/family/peer pressure etc etc. and of this group, i am most afraid of christians. i’m sorry if i’ve offended anyone, but that’s the truth. they may be the most compassionate people around, but they are also one of the most intolerant of people from other religion, free-thinkers included.

kc’s still young… these are things he wouldn’t consider, because he’s not thinking of committing to a long-term relationship yet. but i am. and these barriers are killing me.

only you!! i got a song for you!! its something new!! well you left me with the miss and you hit me with the kiss.. and all i want to say is i just miss you..

what should i do… oh silly kc…

Kinky days

such swoon-worthy days… yea yea i know this is only for like the “honeymoon” period, but we should enjoy it before it’s gone no? sweet smses, flirting with each other… words seem more than words… thrown around like little candies, to sweeten you whenever it touches your hands, face, lips, arms.

“can i stun you again? i love you”

it’s always amazing what little things can do? just a stupid phrase like this, which carries no voice, no feelings, no emotions, no actions… but all the same, it send a little thrill of delight up your spine. it leaves you feeling tingly. it makes your heart thump just a bit faster, just a bit harder. it makes you swoon, it makes your heart flutter, it makes your time stop, it makes you grin.

it makes you feel loved.

just for that short 1s, before the real world forcefully pushes back into your attention span. the insecurites seep back in… “is he toying with me? just a random phrase that he doesn’t mean?” it’s inevitable for me at least, because i am an extremely insecure girl. i don’t know why, but i just am. that’s why i’m skeptical, to protect myself. but once i do dedicate myself, it’s very hard for me to save the remenants of my heart if it gets stepped on.

no pain, no gain huh?

Freelove

If you’ve been hiding from love

If you’ve been hiding from love

I can understand where you’re coming from

I can understand where you’re coming from

If you’ve suffered enough

If you’ve suffered enough

I can understand what you’re thinking of

I can see the pain that you’re frightened of

.

And I’m only here

To bring you free love

Let’s make it clear

That this is free love

No hidden catch

No strings attached

Just free love

No hidden catch

No strings attached

Just free love

.

Hey girl

You’ve got to take this moment

Then let it slip away

Let go of complicated feelings

Then there’s no price to pay

We’ve been running from love

We’ve been running from love

And we don’t know what we’re doing here

No we don’t know what we’re doing here
yup. free love. i was fascinated by this idea… free and love seem such… unrelated ideas. but once you think slightly more about it… it seems like such a beautiful ideal we can never reach.

but i can understand it. i’ve felt it in fleeting amounts before. that feeling of just… absolute bliss. it’s just pure simple and easy… love. the kind of love with no regards for anything or anyone. it’s like peeling away the layers that surround the jewel at the centre. shedding away all the falseness, all that pretence.

who cares about religion. who cares about parents. who cares about the future. who cares about the past. who cares about the surroundings! fuck it we live in the present. and for that, let’s love. let’s let go of all our inhibitions, and love, truly madly deeply. if it only lasts for this one day, or this one hour, or this one minute, it doesn’t matter. because we can say, we have loved.

love with so much considerations for other things is not… pure love already. it’s tainted, it’s held back, it’s trapped, it’s marred by all the crazy things that pollute it.

but yet love without considerations for other things is… irresponsible. the lack of planning, the total spontaneous-ness, the easy-ness of it all. no wonder people would be afraid of it. no commitment required, just love. there is no warranty, no guarantee of what you get out of it.

free love… the feeling is wonderous though. the process of falling in love, and trying hard to suppress it and then expressing it… that kind of childish wonder, of youthful joy… it’s so invigorating. but only for a really short while. because soon, all the problems start to sink in. and it’s gone, just as easily as it came.

thank you kc for letting me feel this again. thank you.

Singlehood

i miss the feeling of being single… that feeling of absolute freedom when you walk, when you can throw your hair and bat your eyelids at any guy down the road and feel attractive. the feeling of being able to flirt with all the guys in the world. and the right to swoon when he calls me baby.

but alas… is my guilt catching up with me? i don’t know… i really don’t know how to face him anymore. it’s like this time it’s a totally opposite experience with my 1st. my 1st is the only contact through email and sms, then very sweet. in real life, a bit more awkward. but this time with him… just looking at his smses and his emails and his msn convos, it sounds like he’s just talking to a friend. “what are you doing” “was a good day in school today” “going out now” it’s all so… meaningless. so cold and unfeeling.

he smses: what are you doing huh huh huh? today was so… zzooinkkss… dam… sorry i need to go first, wait for my sms!

it takes 2 hands to clap… we throw names at each other. we laugh at each other. we care about each other. and although it’s just an sms, we dedicate time to each other as well. but with him, i just can’t seem to feel that. it’s like… he’ s being supremely polite to me, to the point of treating me more as a friend than as a… gf.

i miss being single again… although i won’t have a shoulder to lean on… at least kc is there for me now. at least for now.

thank you for being such a dear kc~

Back in Melbourne

finally back and blogging, despite the jet lag. thought i needed some sleep, but alas i’m still alive and kicking and waiting for action.

i thought i was going to die on the plane today. during the flight, there were 2 big lurches. the plane just suddenly plunged, and then after 2s, plunged again. even the air stewardess fell down. the first thing i thought was, omg please not today i haven’t met kc yet. after a while… i realised… i’ve found my next goal for living. yeap. i live from goal to goal. as of now, i need to survive till at least sept to meet him in melb. after that… then we’ll see if there are any other stuff worth living for.

i thought, if i died here and now, there will be 2 men who love me who will be mourning. one would have his friends around to comfort him. the other would cry in silence. my heart just cringed at the thought of that… i’m sorry kc…

will be starting to get busy from now on. hopefully we can still keep ourselves in each other’s lives through msn and smses.

cya kc.

7 months

i woke up this morning, feeling woozy. pardon me for playing till 3am last night. but through the haziness in my mind, one small light shone at me. him.

ding dong. his sms came. good morning! what are you doing huh?

why is my heart fluttering like so? why do i feel butterfly wings in my tummy? what’s this light-headed giddiness i haven’t felt in the longest time?

throughout the day i just kept waiting for his sms. just kept waiting. uncle didn’t matter. son didn’t matter. and of course not the him from far away, who hasn’t plucked up his courage to talk to me.

we’re not together. nuh uh. i won’t allow that to happen. not at the wrong timing. but what’s this feeling of crazed happiness when i see his sms? what’s this intense sadness when he says, i’ll miss you?

and what’s that grinding pain in my chest when i think about not meeting him for at least the next 7 months?

i know i’ll get over this… but for now… it feels like love. all over again. that young, innocent, shy puppy love.

kinky kinky kinky.

Introduction

gawd i’m so tired of the lack of privacy on my old blog. especially when my relationship with him has reached such a level. so here i am! refreshed, recharged, renewed. as a blogger of course. haha… i really hope no one finds this blog. this will remain private. no matter what. >_<

so why did i set up another blog? hmmm. my life has taken a… quirky twist. i have been with my current squeeze (oh yea literally) for about 10months now? we got together last year during easter. O.o and we only knew each other for about… 2 months? when i look back upon it, it does seem a bit hasty huh. how we decided to dedicate to each other despite knowing nuts about each other. but alas, his secret totally ruined our relationship. he didn’t tell me he had a domineering mother. a obsessive mother who liked to have total control over his life. and that meant a girlfriend was equivalent to competition. competition for her son’s attention. but being a son, how could he break away from her so easily ya? she’s her mom for goodness. i’m just a fling.

we’ve been trying very hard to maintain it up till now. but i’m starting to get the feeling that he doesn’t want to continue anymore. the amount of guilt he has because of betraying his mother’s love is driving him crazy. i’ve been trying hard to understand it. but at the end of the day the love between parents and their children is fundamentally different from the love between a man and a woman no? so i don’t understand what the mother is forbidding. and he is a first-class student. all-rounder with fabulous results, even with me around to distract him last year. so how can she be insecure about her son being distracted academically because of me? that is just her excuse. and i don’t know why he can’t see that.

it’s like a mother trying to find excuses for her child’s behaviour. oh he’s unreasonable? ah that’s cos he’s still young… oh he’s rude? ah that’s cos we didn’t teach him well… etc. you get the drift. but in this case, it’s the son who’s finding excuses for his mother’s behaviour. oh she hates my gf? ah that’s cos she loves me and doesn’t want me to be distracted from my studies. oh she’s threatening me to break up? ah that’s cos she loves me too much to see me get hurt… etc. again, you get the drift. and as a third party, i have absolutely no say in this. she once threatened him that she would find my mother and complain about me to her. uhm hello? i didn’t do anything to him?

so yup. i can feel it ending. he’s confused. and what does a confused man do? would he listen to his mom or his gf? no answer needed. but i’m still waiting for his reply. even if he wants to break up with me, i want him to make that decision himself, and not under her influence.

which brings me to the next part of this convoluted story. 3 years ago i started playing MS. it was a fantastic experience i would never trade for anything else. through my guild i got to know… kinkycoffee(name changed to protect privacy). he was at a higher level than me, so i treated him more as a senior than anything else. but then we realised we were both ‘88 babies. so i started to domineer over him. yea i’m evil i know.

that time he was happily “attached” to another girl in the guild, J. he was a really nice guy and i loved talking to him, but alas i didn’t think much about, you know, being with him. he’s taken! i got to know that he lives in melb. after a while… they broke up. due to unseen reasons i guess. then he just stopped playing for a really really long time. i missed him as a friend, and of course didn’t think too much about it.

then maybe about 1yr ago… my friend who knew both of us told me he was looking for me in msn. i was like, ok he still remembers me? after trying for very long to reach him, i finally caught hold of him. it was then i asked for his number i guess. to my surprise, he’s in sg! said he came back for an army checkup. and i was like, ok let’s meet up! he didn’t exactly refuse, but he kept avoiding answering this question. like he would change topics/refuse to reply my smses etc. and after that checkup he continued to stay in sg, working and clubbing. that was all i remembered about last year.

and then a few days ago, after not contacting each other for a very long time (think a few months), he suddenly msn-ed me. he asked, sorry who is this? trying to sort out my list of friends… i looked long and hard at the email. hmm. definitely an MS friend, but who? just as i was about to type “you can delete me we were MS friends from a long time ago” i realised it was him. KC! and he was like, oh it’s you!

and so we talked. and talked. just a few nights ago we talked from about 6pm to 5am? sweet… it has been so long since i’ve found someone nice to talk with. it brought back memories of the days i suppressed my feelings for him because he was “attached”. just a tiny infatuation i thought smugly to myself.

and then the bombshell dropped. i was desperate to meet him because i’ll be leaving for melb in less than a week’s time. i begged. i called. i msned. i smsed. he refused. i was like… WHY!!! gawd. i reassured him, it won’t be for long, i won’t trouble you. i just wanna meet. i tried to convince him, we’re all nice people, don’t be afraid. it all fell flat. no. no. no.

so yesterday… i went down to the mrt near his house to get him to come and meet me. he still refused. i waited until 0025. didn’t work. before that in one of his riddle-filled smses, he said, there is something i wanna say, but it’s not the right time… it’s been with me for so long… i thought, uh huh, don’t tell me you like me duh. -_- i was skeptical. but what will come comes. and the sms arrived. i..love…ohgosh..U.not joking. it’s been with me for so long and it’s still preventing me like a barrier…

and i was like. no kc… don’t do this to yourself… please don’t fall in love with my online persona! you hardly know me in real life. it’s not fair to me, and it’s not fair to him. but alas i’ve been through the same thing, so i can understand how hard it would be for him to let go. and so i persuaded him. tried to talk him out of it, albeit slowly. he promised he would do it, but i know it won’t be so soon.

but… having said that… i think we’ve grown closer. i called him when i got home at 0100. we talked. i was so honoured that he actually decided to PICK UP! and this morning… i woke up, and the first thought in my mind was: get onto msn. and so i did, and waited patiently. and then there he was. we talked, then we smsed after he left house to get to tekong. i told him i’ll wait till he’s grown up. but his sincerity is really touching. even though he’s afraid, he’s shy (once bitten twice shy… we’re both the same), he still leaves a bit of time, a bit of attention for me. he had to leave house at 645. from 600 onwards, i think he slowly counted down minute by minute. how much time we had left for each other. i read his nic over and over again. he said, i’m really gonna miss you… from 2day onwards… gosh.

he told me, he’ll call when i leave on tues. he told me, please wait for my sms when you arrive in melb. it will arrive by 10, and if it doesn’t it means there is something wrong with your phone. what a dear.

all i’m feeling now is a warm and fuzzy feeling. it feels as if i’m filled. full. like suddenly, there is someone who gives a damn about me again. he told me, if anything happened to you i’ll go crazy. the feeling of love? i’m trying to keep it down. trying really hard. i’m not a single lady yet, and i don’t want to mislead him. i don’t want him to get hurt again. and he’s still too childish.

he promised we’ll meet when we go back to melb. i believe him. but that’s in 7month’s time. how would we last?

stay tuned to the tale of me and kinkycoffee.

i would like to know the ending as well, but this story has just started.

(your weirdness and your girly voice is really growing on me…)