Looking for a bit of companionship

i do mean it when i say i miss blogging. i don’t think i’ve never realised how good a medium it is for me to vent my frustrations in, and i’ll never be able to do it justice with my sporadic blogging from time to time. but i’m sure it doesnt hold grudges against me anyway. thanks honey.

been totally bogged down by school work… and just about 8743568 other stuff? finally decided i had enough of mugging tonight and wanted to blog instead. and i’m glad i made that decision. another thing that always gets me when it comes to blogging is that i need to upload photos that i want to be on the blog. which always takes up so much time, and by the time i’m done uploading the 1762345 photos all the stuff i wanted to write about would have flown out of my head. but still, nothing says as much as a picture.

has been contacting mega intensively for the past… 2 weeks now i think? i think we’re both enjoying our role-playing. we are in a “relationship” that requires no form of commitment at all, but yet we are choosing to immerse ourselves in our roles. he’s the “hubby” and i’m the “honey”, and we greet each other these way on msn and in game. thank goodness not on the phone though, but we have tried it before (and had a good laugh about it too). i can understand why he would want that though. a nice little free relationship with no need for obliged commitment, but still deriving joy from the amount of company we get with each other. hopefully it does teach him a thing or two about being in a real relationship, although i do have to say i have been extremely understanding and tolerant as a “wife”. but i think he does know when his actions may cause jealousy and tries his best to “correct it”. not a bad catch, but too bad he is really way too young for me. almost a 2 year difference in age. and he’s still a bit childish, despite possessing some maturity much beyond his tender age of 19 (this year).

just a picture of a training guide dog that we saw at the GDV. beautiful animals.

as for kc… i think i do realise that it’s pretty impossible for us? we are quite fundamentally different people. he tends to get pretty emotional at times, but at other times he can be very bubbly. ok wait that sounds like me actually. but his bubbly is different from my bubbly! he still sounds like a kid. ok no that sounds like me too. that’s how i behave in front of people. but the me inside knows the difference between being childish and being child-like. i know when i’m behaving in a child-like manner that i’m not really childish? but i don’t think kc has realised that yet. or maybe he does and he’s not restraining himself. yet, at the same time i don’t want to leave him in that sense? i know i always read too much into stuff and i’m always too hopeful, which is something i need to fix. but at least for this time i realised it early on and haven’t dedicated too much into this fruitless relationship. so we’re still hovering at the cliff, but i’m slowing inching my way back to safety. and i will try my very best to pull him back as well. we are gonna walk out of this unharmed. that’s my most sincere wish for him. he has been hurt too many times, and i’m hoping this won’t be a repeat of all the crap he has been through. i just wanna be by his side as a (naggy motherly figure) caring friend, and to see how he’s gonna grow up. well technically he is, but i want to see how that child-like figure in him slowly learns to grasp the cruelty of the world, and slowly mature. and i want to be there to catch him if he falls. that’s the least i can do.

a picture of a street performer. i was so entranced by his guitar skills that i actually stopped and pulled my earphones out to hear him, even though i was on the opposite side of the road.

and i guess he felt my intense stare eh? hope it didn’t make him feel uncomfortable to have an admiring fan secretly snapping away at him behind his back. ok that actually sounded quite scary.

my life seems to be revolving around these 2 guys as of the moment. but don’t worry i have a life outside of them too. interesting to see how guys and girls are able to get so close, despite the negative connotations in the society about how a guy can’t be purely friends with a girl and vice versa. i tend to believe that, but yet i believe that we can suppress that side of us that wants to bring this friendship up a notch. so yeap, a guy and a girl can’t be purely friends, but it’s their behaviour towards each other that directs the course of their relationship. i don’t deny that i do feel a buzz for these 2, but yet i do know that they are childish fantasies that don’t come true. but yet it is this attraction between sexes that promotes the continuation of a friendship. that desire to “satisfy” each other and to “please” each other seems to be ingrained and hardwired into our minds when it comes to matters relating to the opposite sex. must have been an ancient survival requirement in the past that was preserved all the way till now.

hence, in conclusion… no worries this isn’t an academic essay. so tired of those already sheesh. but that should have given a clue to the direction of this paragraph. yup it is time to say goodbye… but it won’t be like the long drawn goodbyes i have with kc. we always wait till the last few minutes before i’m actually gonna hang up before we actually start talking a lot more to each other. ah well… still better than hanging up and wishing we could have said more. time for a bit of me time after a long day in school.

ta.

Scarred?

i’ve been thinking more and more lately as me and kc get close and closer. well kinda. at least he dares to talk more on the phone. have i really become so weary after just 2 failed relationships? the more i think about them, the more i feel as if i’m unable to… love? to commit? maybe that’s why i’m enjoying time with kc, because there is no need for any commitment between us. i still have no idea what status we’re at. are we… flirting? or already assumed to be together? or still just friends? i think we’re friends on the verge of jumping into a relationship, but have yet to take the plunge. the amount of carefree-ness we have, the amount of feelings we choose to reveal to each other, it’s totally up to us. there is no “i should do this” or “he should not do that”, rules that come with a full fledged relationship, but yet we’re close enough to know what we should say and do, and what we should not say and do. maybe i’m afraid of commitment too. without commitment, i don’t have to burden myself with my expectations of the other party, because i know he has no right to expect anything from me too.

it’s the expectations that bring me down. how i would hope he can do this, and feeling disappointed when he doesn’t. but as of now, i still don’t feel that biting sense of disappointment when kc doesn’t meet my expectations, because i know he has no need to. or maybe i’m just getting used to being disappointed…

but i do think i have become more… afraid of committing. i don’t want to get into another relationship for a long long time. time for me to recover from the scars, from the lurking shadows of my previous experiences. i’m so tired of getting hurt again and again, and i’m so tired of letting myself get hurt too. i want to enjoy this feeling i get from being with kc. we expect so little from each other, but yet somehow i think we’re able to give each other what we want. which is still an interesting concept for me, because i never expected that there exists such a state between a guy and a girl who are neither friends nor lovers. amusing…

on a pretty random side note, i recently recalled the guy who tried to suicide in school. and i started to wonder why i cried that day. was it because i pitied him, who tried to suicide because his gf tried to break up with him? or was it because i was afraid to die, after witnessing the vulnerability of life up close? was i crying because i saw the look of absolute fear, but yet absolute love in the faces of those who tried to help him? or was i crying for all the people who were hurt by him because he hurt himself? i really don’t know. all i know is, those were real tears, after a drought of emotions for so long. and it was so good to taste the oasis again.

Happyness

my my look at the date.. it has been more than 2 weeks since i’ve updated! so sorry if anyone actually bothers to check this blog for updates. been extremely busy with school and my game (ok more so the game i think). school – lots of notes to sort out, a project to finish, another i’ve yet started on. game – training for a friend, and i’m getting married to mega soon. HAHA. ok that was so unexpected isn’t it? well it’s just a game, and we’ve said, it is going to be a marriage of convenience, so that we can do one of the quests together. but is it just a nagging little bug in my tummy that’s telling me he might like me? or maybe i’m reading too much again. but we throw stuff like “i miss you” and “must be thinking too much of you” etc around too, so i suppose it’s just a game after all. but the whole idea of marriage has thrown us into a frenzy. i told him to call me missus and i’ll call him mista. just like the good ole’ farming days aye? the missus has whipped up a good ole hearty meal for the mista! as he says, for the fun of it. i’m just hoping kc won’t find out, or won’t kick up a big fuss because of it.

in school, we went for this mini workshop the department organised for us. it was pretty fun and intriguing at times. and we went for this lecture about happyiness, and what defines it. the lecturer asked, when was the last time you felt really happy? i was so tempted to say, the night before. because i was talking to kc that night. and it’s true. no one makes me smile like he does. as she went on to define what happyness is (which is a combination of joy and meaning), it just struck me how… happy i am now. no doubt i’m more “alone” than compared to last year, but who’s to say the physical company i had last time could compare with the emotional company i have now? and it’s not only kc when it comes to that. even mega is keeping in contact with me now, calling me every now and then to chat about… our game (what else could you expect?). but it’s all good. we keep each other company.

the other night i was talking to kc, and he was sick. my heart absolutely wrenched in its little cavity when i heard him cough. don’t know why but i rarely feel this way. broke my heart to hear him coughing like that. poor baby… and so that got me thinking about what kind of future we would have. i can’t say that i love him (not to a “ficitional” character on the phone no), but i can’t deny the fact that i do feel a slight buzz around him. which then caused me to think about mega. i’m trying my best not to read into his words and actions, but i just can’t help feeling that he’s flirting with me. or that he has a tiny bit of feeling for me. tiny. but it’s there. yet again, he knows that another of his friend might be interested in me (i have no idea about that because that mutual friend is currently MIA), and he didn’t seem like the sort who will show interest in a girl that his buddy likes. then i reminded myself, he’s in army. army guys can do anything. seriously. and maybe it’s a bad thing, but his voice reminds me of my 1st, which is kinda scary…

i think i need to start restraining myself already. mega did tell me that he tends to over-read a person’s actions and words, so i must remind myself not to give him the wrong signals. a few mista-s here and there would suffice to keep our gaming life spiced up, but maybe it’s time to take it easy… he’s just a friend my dear. no need to keep him too close. it will end up hurting him more than it does me.

ok after a gap of a few days, this post should be ready to be posted. gosh. i really hope i don’t hurt mega. he seems to be getting more and more drawn into our roles. not that i’m reading anything into his honey-s and stuff, but yeap. i can feel it. restraint!

time for an update after this post. ciao~