When is the right time to start?

confronting question: would you go out with someone you think you won’t/don’t want to marry? this is what has been bugging me for the past few days. there’s that feeling in my bones that keeps nagging, don’t play around anymore… just find someone decent and settle down… you’re not young anymore… but… the presence of kc has disrupted everything. he is someone i am interested in, but someone i… don’t want to marry? or at least i don’t think i will marry. to me, marriage and love are 2 very different things. if i can marry the man i love, good. if not, too bad. i do seem extremely practical don’t i? i want a good lover, and i want a good husband. when i reach that point in time when i can get married, i would rather look for a good husband than a good lover. most of the time, these 2 qualities are not found on the same man. which is quite a waste actually.

kc… i think he… isn’t a good lover. definitely won’t be a good husband and father as of now. but i am really interested in him, and i want to see how far we can carry this game. the way we treat other is just so… weird. we’re not friends, we’re not lovers. we’re something in between. he tells me things about following pretty girls to look at them. i am still quite amused by that. well at least i won’t tell that to a guy i liked. but he makes me feel special (doesn’t it always start like this). then again i think that it’s because there is no one else in his life now except for my “presence”. ahh… which falls right back into the 1st category of my 2 types of relationships. it feels so flimsy, this thing. how can it last? i just can’t understand that.

kc’s a good kid… he’s weird, he’s sweet, he’s funny, and he has a soothing baby voice. doesn’t seem to match any of my requirements. intellectually stimulating? hmmm naaah… gentlemanly… nope not really. mature? oh hohohoho never. so why? why have i allowed myself to show so much interest in a man i won’t have looked at twice? i guess different circumstances do bring together unexpected pairings. as i have described before, we were lonely, we were tired. and then we found each other. sounds cliched and touching, but it isn’t. not to me anyway. it just sounds so thin and fake. i want to fall in love with someone not because they were the ones beside me when i was sad and down, but because they were with me when i was up and happy and i can still feel their love. when i’m vulnerable, my heart will thrash out and grab at any passing support. and i won’t know how to differentiate between gratitude and love. and i’m tired of being misled by my brainless heart. pun intended.

if i can do it all over again… i think i would have started dating earlier. then i would have had a better idea of what i want from a relationship now. i would have also gotten to know enough guys to realise what i want in a man too. but as of now, i’m happy, being with kc like this. we give each other loads of space (too much in my opinion), but yet we manage to keep each other wanting more. we go out and frolick in the day, but at night we come back to each other.

would i start a relationship with a man i might not marry? i think… i would love to give him a chance, to see if he can change into someone i would like to spend the rest of my life with.

Wrong love?

can love be wrong? can you fall in love with the wrong person?

consider this. you’ve just entered a new environment. you spot someone who is pretty decent among the new friends you’ve made. he/she isn’t your dream lover, but hey it’s good enough. you keep each other company. you talk frequently. you share a bit of commonality. and he/she looks hot enough. someone decent who has come along when you needed someone.

alternatively… it has been quite a while since you have known him/her. throughout the years you were just friends, nothing more, nothing less. but as the times go by, you start to feel that he/she complements you. you’ve gotten used to each other’s presence, you’ve learnt about each other’s quirks and habits. someone good enough for you that has been there for so long, and you’ve finally realised you would like.

i think there is a fundamental difference between the 2 scenarios i have just mentioned. and i realised both my relationships started out as the 1st one – the decent lover. someone who came along when i was feeling down, when i was feeling lonely and vulnerable, sneaked into my system, and destroyed me. ok it’s not all their fault i have a part to play in it as well. but it just makes me wonder. this kind of love… it makes me think that, it could have been any guy/girl who came along. it wouldn’t have made a difference. there was nothing fantastic about them, just that they happened to be at the right place at the right time. they weren’t the special one. i’d like to think that they’re the substitute one. they are the substitute for that emotional sustenance before we move on and find someone better.

heck i may be totally wrong with regards to this. i’m sure there are many many people who’s love fall into the 1st category. the 2nd category is actually quite rare. its often that love blossoms between 2 people when they are feeling the most vulnerable. but… somehow i want to experience the 2nd one. i want to enjoy that fulfilling feeling of being able to finally realise that hey, here is a special man i have known for so long and i want to love. and not the feeling of here’s any man who just saved me and i want to love.

meow.

What’s real and what’s false?

i feel like being honest. being bare with myself. maybe it’s a stunt to increase readership (what for?). maybe it’s just the real me feeling sick of all the fakery i have weaved around myself. i want to let myself see all the stuff that i’ve done, to remember all the lies and truths i have hidden from myself. this is what makes up ME.

i have had 2 failed relationship. the first one lasted for 4 months, broken into 2 month periods with a 1 month break in between. it was with an online friend that i met on a game. we had sex. i was just a few months shy of my 19th birthday. i told myself before not to have sex till i was 19. my mom told me 21. i almost thought i got pregnant. thank goodness i didn’t. we had heavy petting before. he’s a good kisser.

the second one happened in year 1 of uni, when i was 19. it lasted for… i don’t even remember how long, but from april 2007 to feb 2008. with lots of breaks in between because we couldn’t meet up when we went back home for the holidays. we had sex too, on the night when we first got together. i always hated him for that. he is also a mother’s boy. his mother never approved of us being  together, to the point of threatening him to break up “or else”. i admit, i hated her for a while, but i thought we could work our way around it. my hopes in him was in vain. i don’t hate her anymore. i don’t hate him too. but i just can’t get rid of the bitter aftertaste of this relationship.

i have stolen comics from a small shop near my house before. think i must have stolen at least 10 books before my conscience kicked in and my sense of thrill was kicked out. i felt bad when that bookshop closed down a few years later.

i have cheated during exams before. it was in primary school, during the last few minutes of a math paper. i asked my friend and she pretended to drop an eraser on the floor and reached down to grab it with her paper in her hand. i copied. the teacher was out so she didn’t see. i felt good after that.

i once sprinkled baby powder all over the desk of my mom’s colleague. and stole some of her bookmarks. my mom had to clean it up before work the next day. she didn’t know about the bookmark.

i once tried to steal some (pretty) phonecards from my nanny. she found out and asked me gently to return it to her. i will never forget that sense of embarrassment and guilt.

my first kiss was given to a guy i met in primary 1, when i was 7 years old. we were curious about how kissing felt like after watching so much of it on tv.

i was in the trim-and-fit aka fat club in primary school, all the way till i was in secondary 1. i was really really fat.

i skipped NAPFA for my last year in JC. i passed everything but SBJ and didn’t go back for a retest. i think my teacher just let me pass.

can’t seem to remember more. but i will definitely update if i do.

Story 1

her eyes fluttered open. her alarm clock was ringing. hai yet another day has begun. she closed her eyes, trying to savour whatever was left of that warm feeling of being asleep. she groaned and pulled her blankets off. as the wave of cold air hits her body frame, she winces as she quickly changes out of her pyjamas. what to wear today… well i am meeting him later… she slips into her inner wear and jumps out of bed.

the door to the cupboard was thrown open as she rummages through her million pieces of clothing. something warm, but yet something stylish… something thick, but yet something that doesn’t ruin her figure… ah this one then she thought as she pulled out her V neck knitted sweater. satisfied, she slips that over her head and puts on her jeans.

after a quick breakfirst, she zips up her boots and heads to school. it was going to be a long day, with 4 hours of lectures in the morning, and 3 hours of practical class in the afternoon. lucky him ends at 4… well he’ll just have to wait then. as every step brought her closer to school, she could only imagine what was in store for her.

…

during the 1st lecture, his sms came. hey kitty! morning! gossh i only woke up now gonna laaate damn… she smiled as she read his message. she sent a quick reply and returned her attention to the boring lecturer who was droning on and on about stuff she has never heard before.

…

it was finally lunch time. her heart skipped a beat, because that was when they usually met. but not for today. both of them had important practical classes in the afternoon, so they couldn’t afford to waste time walking across the campus to meet each other. she sighed as she opened her lunchbox. leftovers again… “hey!” her attention was snapped back to her surroundings. time to interact with the friends again…

…

OVER! she screamed silently as they filed out of the laboratory. but she couldn’t stop a silly grin from appearing on her face. “meeting boooooyfriend huh huh huh?” her girlfriends teased. “girls!” she tried to sound disapproving, but that just made them laugh, and made her smile more. they parted ways at the main entrance to the campus and she begins the long journey to meet him.

there he is! gosh he looks so good… she drew her breath in sharply, trying to control her excited heart, which was beating at its own crazy speed. his eyes met hers, and she could have sworn she would faint if it hadn’t been a public place. she saw his eyes light up before his lips broke into a grin. “hey.” “hey.” the two of them walked off.

we’re still so awkward after so long… she bit her lip as she stole a glance at him. his hair was being blown astray by the wind, and his eye lashes fluttering. she felt a blush coming up, and quickly looked away. “what?” “nothing…” her hands were swinging by her side. i wish he would hold my hands! gosh. be brave baby! she tried to brush pass his hands as innocently as she could, but decided that would be too childish. what is he thinking about… she wondered.

“you know, today…” “gosh it was so tiring…” they both started at the same time. a rush of blood to her cheeks made her face feel warm in the piercing wind. “you first,” she quickly added before he could respond. “dang not fair,” he retorted, faking a pout. she smiled and looked at him. she could see him working hard to maintain the pout, but failed spectacularly as he burst out laughing. “ok ok me first then… well today we…” she felt a light spring in her steps.

…

they reached the restaurant and went in to find a seat. after settling down, she kicked off her shoes and drew her knees up, curling up into a ball in her big seat. he smiled. “what?” “nothing… you’re really a kitty, kitty.”

…

it was the same silence during dinner again. that awkward, warm fuzzy silence that envelops them whenever they are together. she played with his feet underneath the table, much to his amusement. but on above the table, there was no conversation, no words, no nothing. to an outsider, they would seem very much like friends. but she knows they are so much more than just that.

…

they walked down to the train station. time to say goodbye again… she sighed, a little too audibly. “what’s wrong kitty?” “oh well… just that… it’s time to say goodbye again…” he fell silent. she felt his heart drop slightly. “but there’s always tomorrow!” she said that as cheerfully as she could without sounding too fake. “yea…” she grabbed his arm. “cheer up baby!”

…

he was on his way into the station already. beep went the card reader machine. he turned back and looked at her. she forced a smile onto her face and waved. he mouthed something. hmm what was he saying… better ask him tomorrow. she made a little mental note. he stepped onto the escalator and glanced at her. that look almost broke her heart. gosh don’t make saying goodbye so hard baby… she mouthed “hug hug” as he disappeared from view.