Him and them

i’m afraid of people like him. people who are cheerful, really really cheerful. these kind of people always has a hidden, darker side that they choose to hide with their so called “joy”. but yet i choose to surround myself with these people, because they choose to reveal that troubled side they have to me, so that we know we can still be human, still be plagued by problems, but yet still laugh about it. as for him… i really have no idea what is the dark side he is hiding away so well.

maybe it is his past? about how he struggled to grow up amidst poverty? but he is doing well now isn’t he? then again i suppose these insecurities continue to plague a person even if they manage to break out of their poverty cycle. the fear of reverting back to the life of hardship. no i know he’s not afraid of that, he is more afraid for his mother dealing with that than him. so yea. maybe that’s what he’s trying to hide by being so happy-go-lucky all day long. oh wait no. he’s not even happy-go-lucky, his cheerfulness has a very disturbing tense-ness to it that… i’m not sure other people notice, but is very very obvious to me. such a paper-thin defence that can be seen through so easily, but underneath that is a very very thick layer of defence that i couldn’t even scratch the surface of.

occasionally he has shown me glimpses of his heart, but the defence barrier has never been striped away. and i guess what got me uncomfortable was that he kept asking me to bare myself to him, when he doesn’t do that himself. maybe that was why i felt so insecure with him, even though i know that he can protect me, but only physically. mentally and emotionally, he had a lot of baggage to deal with, so i knew (early on perhaps) that there was no way he can protect me in these 2 aspects. was i too naive, too idealistic, to have pushed it on? i think i was. i tried my very best to be positive, to have hope, but in the end our little fairytale ended, and i gave up first. maybe he hasn’t forgiven me for that, so he’s not talking to me at all now.

that brings me to the next point. he absolutely does not talk to me at all. and i still can’t wrap my head around that. it’s your fault uncle, you’ve made me expect him to continue a “friendship” after a relationship. but then i remember, we never had a friendship before our relationship. we were lovers way before we even thought of a friendship. is that another reason why? i don’t know i don’t know… all i know is he makes me feel as if all the things we’ve done last time didn’t mean enough for him to even think about maintaining a friendship with me. he makes me feel inadequate, and i hate to feel that way because i already know that i am. ahh… i used to say to myself, no friendships after a relationship, but now it just sounds cruel to me. having a friendship after a relationship tells the other party that, hey you’ve done things to hurt me, and i’ve done things to hurt you, but all that is done, and i appreciate you enough to still want you in my life.

now i understand uncle’s standpoint on this. and i totally agree with him. then again, is the idiot waiting for me to make the first move? i don’t know. all i know is i’m not as spontaneous as that. and if he is waiting, then too bad because i’m not gonna make the first move. i sound evil don’t i? well i’m still a conservative girl. and i really have nothing to say if i lose this friendship, because i never knew how life was like with him as a friend anyway. why miss something you’ve never experienced before? and anyhow he seems to be perfectly fine with the others, so i shall leave him to that.

i guess what i really wanted to say was… i’m just hurt that the others would go out with him and everything, but they’ve never asked me along for anything. maybe they didn’t know that i was staying for winter, so they assumed i was away for farmwork. but it just sucks to be the one left out in the cold doesn’t it? and that’s how i feel right now. i am not needed, so therefore i will not need! simple isn’t it? sounds like a woman with a vengeance if you ask me. but that’s the way they make me feel. i was never that close to them, and perhaps i will never be. you can’t make friends out of everyone.

but what’s this sense of disappointment that weighs down so heavily? is it that i’m disappointed in them not wanting to include me in their little gang, or disapointment in myself for not having tried hard enough to fit into their gang?

i hate feeling inadequate. seriously.

Sabishi

i’ve never felt so alone before, and i’ve never felt so at ease with it. my mom is not coming to visit me. baby’s becoming increasingly irritating and missing, hubby’s missing too. friends are away at farmwork, went home, or are busy with family/boyfriend. serious. all those whom i’m close with are all not here.

what’s that’s really getting to me is that he is totally enjoying his time. or maybe that’s what it seems like. looking at the amount of activities going on in his life just puts me to shame. what have i done to move on from this and enrich my life? nothing. i wanted to do something this holiday. and yes i did it, by securing a farmwork. but as mom says, that’s just 2 weeks. what about the other 2? and that made me speechless. i really had no plans.

perhaps you should work? naaah… there ain’t jobs that last for 2 weeks. maybe go around to visit other suburbs? hmmm but transport is expensive. ok then… how about doing some exercises in the neighbourhood? it’s way too cold! you get the drift don’t you?

i feel ashamed of myself. of my procrastinations. and i know when i look back on these 2 weeks in the future i would regret not having done anything significant. well the only significant thing i did was to watch anime. and slack. i can spend 1 whole week not stepping out of the building, and i am so disgusted by my own actions. but yet… i still have not done anything. i’m still sitting here, typing this lame post, chomping away on my dinner and feeling bored.

well the coming week is gonna be the last week i have to slack before going away for farmwork on the 14th. that should keep me entertained, tired and worn out for the next 2 weeks before school starts. and then it’s back to another busy semester, with more difficult things to learn and memorise. will this holiday help to recharge me? i don’t know. i’m just so frustrated by my lack of conviction now.

i say i’m not afraid of being alone. and i mean it. but no one, no one can fend off that sense of loss and emptyness that comes with being alone. it takes a strong heart to resist that and stay off the track to self-destruction. or else it takes a dull heart, like mine, to block out the associated pain. now i know what he means when he says the spark died. i think mine just did. or has it been dead for so long, and my heart has been so frozen it never realised that? i don’t know. but there is nothing i can do now but to tough it out.

just survive for this week baby. you might not be affected by the whole being alone thing, but no one can do without a bit of attention. maybe that’s why kc is directing his attention to you. it’s not love or anything like that. it’s just a desperate clinging onto something that helps to keep one occupied. or should i say, clinging onto someone. maybe that’s why i can’t let go of him too, even though all that he says are do now just seems to be for the purpose of irritating me. because i know, as of now, there is no one i can cling to.

speaking of that… why is it that guys like to mention other girls to girls they are interested in? is it a way of checking out if the girl of interest is actually interested in them to the point that they will be jealous of that act of mentioning another girl? or is it just a guy thing, to need to talk about that pretty girl they saw on the streets that day, even if it’s to another girl? i’m not getting jealous that kc likes to talk about girls that turn him on or stuff like that. it’s just kind of incomprehensible for a girl to talk about that to a guy? or vice versa. what am i supposed to say? to sound jealous? or to sound happy for them? or to sound cheeky? wakaranai.

stop thinking that you’re grown up baby. the truth is you are far from it. the way you talk about stuff… it’s an attempt to resolve the amount of emotions you have, but the way you deal with them is just not there yet. the way you talk about girls… the way you talk about… physical intimacy? lol. fancy dandy word. maybe you’re not revealing that side to me. but what you’re showing me now is what that’s making me give you the nickname of baby. you’ll always be a baby. but sadly not mine. as this drags on i am getting more and more convinced of this. but it’s ok, because i know that one day you’ll realise that too. and you’ll slowly let go of this, with both of us escaping unscathed in this little adventure of yours.

ahh…