sometimes it intrigues me how not having a title causes me to lose focus on what i’m writing on. but maybe that is actually better, because there is no restrictions on what i need to write, no rules i have to adhere to, no societal norms i have to fit in with. ah i’m bringing it too far again.
right. so i just came back from a gathering with my friends. what more could i ask for. good food, good entertainment. but indeed there is so much more i want to ask for. out of all those people who were there, there is no one, no one at all that i consider myself close to. there is one, but he’s part of my history. more on that later.
standing there, with a bowl of warm food in my hands, in a room filled with laughter, i can’t help but feel alone. too alone. it’s like that feeling, when you’re in an enclosed room, and the 4 walls bear down on you until you feel so trapped, so compressed, like you’re just a tiny… nothing. that was how i felt. the laughters sounded so hollow, like echoes from a far away place. even when they were talking to me. the distance between us felt insurmountable. there’s just something forming a barrier between me and them. is it my fault, theirs, or ours? i know not.
i look at them talk to each other, that sense of closeness between each and everyone of this big family, and i just feel as if i’m not part of it anymore. not that i knew whether i was ever part of it. you know they say, always try to start and sustain a conversation with others? i try so hard… but why don’t they seem to do the same to me? do i seem that intimidating, or uninterested? when i shut up and give them a chance to talk to me, the tiny bubble of awkward silence just seems to grow and grow and enclose us, until it becomes stifling and i have to find a way to get out of it. and along with that bubble of awkwardness, a tiny seed of doubt is planted within me: am i not worthy of your conversations? am i so insignificant that you can’t even find it in you the heart to try to bridge this widening gap between us? and every time this happens, it just reinforces my desire, my instinctive behaviour to stay silent. and every time after that, it just becomes harder and harder for me to open up to people.
i do seem very insecure don’t i? i have no idea where it comes from, but it might have stemmed from the extended periods of being alone during my childhood days. this forced me to grow up faster than i wanted to, because i could no longer rely on my parents to be there to catch me when i fall. which meant i could no longer experiment with my life, with my experiences, because at the end of the day, i, and only me alone, have to bear the full cost of my moments of folly. no room for mistakes, no second chances. i couldn’t afford to fail. but with every step i take, i always seem so full of confidence, but there is always that insecurity haunting me from a deep dark corner within my heart, constantly reminding me that if i fail, i really will fail. maybe that’s what i’m searching for in a relationnship, to have someone fill up this dark corner with some warmth and light, and remind me that there are people who are willing to catch me, to give me a second chance if i were to screw up. but alas…
which brings me to this next point. him. it breaks my heart to see that he can treat me this way without even a bat of his eyelids. after 1 year of intimacy, of hope, of joy, and this is the only way he can treat me. i feel as if i’m less than a person in his eyes. and that just kills me inside. sometimes it pisses me off, that he can’t even bother to find that little bit of courage within him to come say hi. here i am trying hard to be friendly and everything, but it’s just not getting through to him. every single action he makes seems to be sending out a message: get away from me, i don’t want to get close to you. even when we are walking in a group, he will deliberately walk faster, even though i would be trailing behind. and someone else has to tell him to slow down before he finally decides to slow his pace down to suit me. right now his behaviour pisses me off, because what right does he have to treat me this way? and that’s when my insecurities creep in. maybe he hates you. maybe he blames you for ending the relationship with him. maybe he’s doing it for your own good. maybe he just doesn’t know how to behave around you. or maybe, he just can’t be bothered. but seriously though, why should i waste time and effort on someone who can’t even acknowledge my presence?
i needed to get that out tonight. or else it would have just killed me. thanks for listening bloggy.
