am i flawed? then again, aren’t we all? but somehow again and again i think there is something… wrong with the way i think. ok maybe not wrong, but just that it doesn’t fit into the society norm. like… i don’t feel like i fit in sometimes. even though i am the crazy bubbly person in school, and the crazy bubbly person online, but i know that that isn’t who i really am, or who i want to be.
all of us want to be liked. we like to feel that we’re at the centre of someone’s world. we like to be given attention, to the extent of drowning in it. but for me… i admit i do feel this way sometimes, but i would rather prefer to be alone. there is something very threatening about attention, like i have to give away something about me to get it. and it scares me. it puts a chill through my body, and puts a lock on my heart. i’ve always withdrawn away from people, so that they won’t know much about me. yet there is a part of me that yearns for a bit of attention, for someone who is actually interested enough to try to unlock the heavy lock i’ve placed around myself. alas, i think i’ve been mislead too many times in the past, reading too much into people. so now, i’d rather be more careful and loose a potential friend than to open up and risk hurting myself.
is there something wrong with the way i treat friendship? i never dared to trouble people before. it always made sense to me not to ask for help until i really have no paths left open to me. is it because i don’t trust them? well sometimes that’s true i suppose. once a friend asked me if there was someone i trusted with my whole heart and soul. i pondered and realised, there was no one. there is no one in this world i can put my utmost trust in, no one i can trust with my life and my secrets. it’s ironic how we are a community, but a community made up of individuals.
yesterday kc asked if i was gonna call. i said no, because i didn’t want to disturb him. he seemed pretty perturbed by that stand as he commented, i thought you called people to keep in contact with them, not to disturb them? and it struck me, why hadn’t i thought of that before. it was always natural to me that anything i do which intrudes on other people’s space meant i was disturbing them. perhaps maybe i feel that way, so i assumed everyone else was the same. suppose it’s a wrong way of thinking huh. only by intruding upon other people’s sphere of existence do you give them an excuse to intrude into yours.
i think i’m a sucker for love. any guy that comes along and says to me, i like you, is able to set off my heart rate. and i find it nearly impossible to say no. i always wonder how do other girls do it. how they could look into the eyes (or look at an sms/email/etc you get it) of a man who likes them and flatly refuse? do they not feel any reciprocative feelings? if they do, they’ve done a good job at either hiding it or supressing it. i just… can’t. happened to me so many times already. thank goodness for some of them, the guy did something to hurt me before i dedicated myself into it. but alas, some lasted all the way into a relationship before something happens and i’m thrown aside. and i can already feel myself getting more and more weary. don’t read about how i keep saying i’m not gonna get into anything with kc and think i’ll be able to do it. i do feel something for him, but just that this time it’s much more… hmm… bland? like my feelings have been diluted down. i no longer feel that rush of absolute joy when i see his sms, nor does my heart thump as hard as i prepare to call him. i’m no longer affected by the fact that we don’t really have a lot of common topics, and i don’t get irritated by him not contacting me for a long period of time.
but he has touched me by his sincerity. here is a dude, struggling through army, wading through life, bogged down (well not really) by all his commitments (i.e. watching old movies, playing games, guitar…), and he still bothers to take time off for me. yea i know it could be just a moment of boredem that he decides to sms me, but i can feel the sincerity oozing out of his every sms. i think the fire that raged in his heart for me a while back has died down into a small but steady flame, which we feed constantly through our few but heart felt messages (that’s what he calls them). we try our best to sustain each other in a weird way, but it helps keep me sane in a way. if not, i can almost imagine how alone i would feel, and how much that would just close myself up even more.
2 lonely souls, wandering around in the endless sea of lost sanity and dead passions. they met by chance, amidst the infinite fate they have with anyone else. she was alone, cast into the deep end of the pool. he was alone, trying to battle the ghosts of insecurity that plagued him. but together they are no longer lonely. even though they may not be together, but knowing each other’s presence is enough to sustain the tiny dying flame within their bodies. is this flame what we call hope?
i hope so.
thanks kc. seriously.
