music is my life. it’s my everything. i don’t make it. i don’t perform it. i don’t even make money off of it for goodness sake. but it means the whole world to me, be it in the past, now, or in the future. i don’t know when it started. it has just been there, inherently present in my life, ever present.
was i always obsessed by music? i don’t think so. but ever since hearing my primary school choir perform a song called “Sakura” (in a not-so-good way mind you), i was introduced to it. or at least that was my 1st memory of music. ever since then i really wanted to join choir, to… sing? hmm not exactly. more to immerse myself in music i guess. started listening to the radio back then as well, listening to all my friends talk about the pop songs of those days. it was an attempt to fit in i suppose? but i’m glad i did that.
in secondary school i finally plucked up enough courage to join choir. i think that was the best decision i ever made. i do remember the insecurities i felt back then when i decided to join. it was the first time i tried to step out of my comfort zone and trying something i’ve never done before. and trust me, i didn’t like to do anything i know i won’t be able to perform well in. so this was a first for me. never regretted since.
in those days all i knew were pop songs on the radio. i entered choir based on that tiny bit of knowledge of music i had. but the seniors warned us early. they said, don’t think we’d be doing pop songs! this is a choir, so expect chorale music. what was chorale music, i though to myself. the only impression i had of that were those boring church-y music that put people to sleep. my stomach churned as i started to feel a tinge of regret joining this weird choir thing.
but alas i was not disappointed. i can’t remember the first song i learnt, but it was the SYF season then. so i guess we should have started with our SYF pieces. i don’t even remember the names of the songs (ok maybe one, Full Fathom Five), but their melodies still resonate around in my memories. and i remember my first time at the SYF, listening to all the choirs sing, and knowing full well that ours was the best. those was the days…
i’ve learnt loads of songs. i’ve even passed grade 1 theory, just enough to cover me through all the score reading. actually i learnt that by myself, those 5 lines and the little tadpoles that reside there. quavers, crotchets, rests, breaks, slurs, triplets, bass clef, all those words mean something to me now. our conductor was a great teacher. she may be slightly cold, and her level of knowledge slightly menacing for a beginner like me, but she really taught us. not just how to sing, but how to appreciate singing. in a way, it helped me learn to appreciate music as well, far deeper than i though was possible. the subtleness of a break here, the gentleness of a slur there, the little swells in the music, and the expressiveness of the lyrics. it always occurred to me, a musician must be a magician to be able to take care of all the little bits and details in a single piece of music. that only deepened my relationship with music.
i was glad to have been exposed to this other side of music, this side that few can appreicate without proper backgrounds in chorale music. i’ve sung hymns, musicals, folk songs, pop songs (yes a few with chorale arrangements). i’ve sung songs about love, death, sleep, dreams, floods, babies, christmas, drum making, roses, horses. i’ve sung in english, chinese, french, latin, mongolian, spanish, malay, tamil. and i’m thankful for these experiences.
music has enclosed me, protecting me in its thick buffer of melodies, stories and emotions. music helps me get through bad patches, music can make me depressed, music also make me high as well. it’s my au naturale depressant, stimulant. i just can’t live without music. or maybe, i don’t want to live without music. it has become part of my everday life. when i’m out and about, music fills my ears instead of the sounds of the birds, trees and cars. and sometimes, at that rare occasion when the right songs plays at the right time, with the right mood, now that is truly magical. it makes you… feel. feel even more deeply, with richer emotions, greater insights.
i like to silent-sing when i’m walking about with my music plugged into my ears. love to mouth the words and feel the emotions being expressed in the song. i’ve seen myself do it in the mirror before. looks really weird and unglamorous. but i just love to do that. so one day, if you see a long hair girl walking down the streets with ear phones plugged into her ears, looking forward with a sparkle in her eyes and mouthing the lyrics of a silent song, do smile back at her.
i’ll try my best to smile back as well. promise.
