Never say never

never. i looked at kc’s immaturity and sl’s negativity. never never. it was a moment of frustration, of hopelessness. why have all guys turned into such… useless figures? i will never fall in love again. never.

alas… i was too harsh i suppose. we each have our own set of problems to work through as we plod through life. to each his own as mega would say. sometimes it takes a while for us to come round to such thoughts, to realise that, hey everyone’s living a different life. that there won’t be someone who can and would truly understand me because no one has gone through what i have. and so it’s unfair for me to superimpose on them what i’m feeling, because they just won’t get it. why not spend the time on something more productive rather than pulling out my hair over this?

and so i did. i talked to kc. well more like meowed and sang, but the idea was there. and i wish i could see sl again… to say sorry for being such a useles bitch, a unreliable friend who chose to shrink away when he started to grow horns and spikes. everyone goes through this phase, the phase of being absolutely paralysed by life’s uncertainties, of being bitter and scornful of all things wonderful. somehow i wished i hadn’t snapped at him, but perhaps i was disgusted by his attitude.

but if i were in his shoes, i would want to have someone beside me who can and will laugh about all the so-called good things in life, to mock the beautiful twists and turns on the path of existence. even though this may add to my bitterness, but at least i would have an outlet for all the anger and frustration to be let out. i wish i could have been there for him at his lowest, to let him know that, hey, life sucks, but at least you know it sucks for everyone at some point in their lives. all i can hope for now is that he will ok, and that he will continue on despite all the odds against him, instead of standing at the same spot, rooted with fear and rage.

oh kc… i don’t even know what to say about him anymore. the fact that we’d never be together is getting more and more apparent to me by the day, but a small corner of my heart just wouldn’t let me give up. it whispers, don’t give up yet! who’s to say there isn’t a rainbow at the end of the rain? who’s to say there’s nothing to be expected out of this? don’t give up till the end! and the rest of my wearied body retorts, until the end when you’re so ravaged you can’t even feel yourself? and the heart can only keep mum. and the brain is confused by all these thoughts flying across, wondering what step to take next without either the body or the heart’s support.

it’s like being in love with someone you shouldn’t. he draws me in with his charisma, but yet i know i must repel myself from him to keep me safe. and the ambiguity… gosh. it’s almost like we’re toying with each other? not letting each other know what we feel, but yet expressing interest and showering attention and showing concern. all the long calls, the smses, the msn conversations… are but various agents that add to this confusing mixing pot of fear, love, insecurity, concern, weariness, attraction, needs, wants.

we are weird indeed. if only if someone could come along and point out to me what on earth is happening. then again, i still won’t trust what they say, because that little voice in me just keeps bugging me to carry on, to hope for the best, to look for that golden needle in the huge haystack, to wait in the rain for that elusive rainbow that might just appear if i’m patient enough. if it appears at all.

i miss you kc. miss your weird growling, grr-ing, arr-ing. miss the shyness in you voice that is becoming more daring now. miss the gentleness of your words, even though you’re too shy to say much. miss the way you clear your throat nervously. miss the way you make me so frustrated with your “nothing!”s.

[notice] earth to ab maiden. you’ll never get together with kc.

*continues waiting*

Introduction

gawd i’m so tired of the lack of privacy on my old blog. especially when my relationship with him has reached such a level. so here i am! refreshed, recharged, renewed. as a blogger of course. haha… i really hope no one finds this blog. this will remain private. no matter what. >_<

so why did i set up another blog? hmmm. my life has taken a… quirky twist. i have been with my current squeeze (oh yea literally) for about 10months now? we got together last year during easter. O.o and we only knew each other for about… 2 months? when i look back upon it, it does seem a bit hasty huh. how we decided to dedicate to each other despite knowing nuts about each other. but alas, his secret totally ruined our relationship. he didn’t tell me he had a domineering mother. a obsessive mother who liked to have total control over his life. and that meant a girlfriend was equivalent to competition. competition for her son’s attention. but being a son, how could he break away from her so easily ya? she’s her mom for goodness. i’m just a fling.

we’ve been trying very hard to maintain it up till now. but i’m starting to get the feeling that he doesn’t want to continue anymore. the amount of guilt he has because of betraying his mother’s love is driving him crazy. i’ve been trying hard to understand it. but at the end of the day the love between parents and their children is fundamentally different from the love between a man and a woman no? so i don’t understand what the mother is forbidding. and he is a first-class student. all-rounder with fabulous results, even with me around to distract him last year. so how can she be insecure about her son being distracted academically because of me? that is just her excuse. and i don’t know why he can’t see that.

it’s like a mother trying to find excuses for her child’s behaviour. oh he’s unreasonable? ah that’s cos he’s still young… oh he’s rude? ah that’s cos we didn’t teach him well… etc. you get the drift. but in this case, it’s the son who’s finding excuses for his mother’s behaviour. oh she hates my gf? ah that’s cos she loves me and doesn’t want me to be distracted from my studies. oh she’s threatening me to break up? ah that’s cos she loves me too much to see me get hurt… etc. again, you get the drift. and as a third party, i have absolutely no say in this. she once threatened him that she would find my mother and complain about me to her. uhm hello? i didn’t do anything to him?

so yup. i can feel it ending. he’s confused. and what does a confused man do? would he listen to his mom or his gf? no answer needed. but i’m still waiting for his reply. even if he wants to break up with me, i want him to make that decision himself, and not under her influence.

which brings me to the next part of this convoluted story. 3 years ago i started playing MS. it was a fantastic experience i would never trade for anything else. through my guild i got to know… kinkycoffee(name changed to protect privacy). he was at a higher level than me, so i treated him more as a senior than anything else. but then we realised we were both ‘88 babies. so i started to domineer over him. yea i’m evil i know.

that time he was happily “attached” to another girl in the guild, J. he was a really nice guy and i loved talking to him, but alas i didn’t think much about, you know, being with him. he’s taken! i got to know that he lives in melb. after a while… they broke up. due to unseen reasons i guess. then he just stopped playing for a really really long time. i missed him as a friend, and of course didn’t think too much about it.

then maybe about 1yr ago… my friend who knew both of us told me he was looking for me in msn. i was like, ok he still remembers me? after trying for very long to reach him, i finally caught hold of him. it was then i asked for his number i guess. to my surprise, he’s in sg! said he came back for an army checkup. and i was like, ok let’s meet up! he didn’t exactly refuse, but he kept avoiding answering this question. like he would change topics/refuse to reply my smses etc. and after that checkup he continued to stay in sg, working and clubbing. that was all i remembered about last year.

and then a few days ago, after not contacting each other for a very long time (think a few months), he suddenly msn-ed me. he asked, sorry who is this? trying to sort out my list of friends… i looked long and hard at the email. hmm. definitely an MS friend, but who? just as i was about to type “you can delete me we were MS friends from a long time ago” i realised it was him. KC! and he was like, oh it’s you!

and so we talked. and talked. just a few nights ago we talked from about 6pm to 5am? sweet… it has been so long since i’ve found someone nice to talk with. it brought back memories of the days i suppressed my feelings for him because he was “attached”. just a tiny infatuation i thought smugly to myself.

and then the bombshell dropped. i was desperate to meet him because i’ll be leaving for melb in less than a week’s time. i begged. i called. i msned. i smsed. he refused. i was like… WHY!!! gawd. i reassured him, it won’t be for long, i won’t trouble you. i just wanna meet. i tried to convince him, we’re all nice people, don’t be afraid. it all fell flat. no. no. no.

so yesterday… i went down to the mrt near his house to get him to come and meet me. he still refused. i waited until 0025. didn’t work. before that in one of his riddle-filled smses, he said, there is something i wanna say, but it’s not the right time… it’s been with me for so long… i thought, uh huh, don’t tell me you like me duh. -_- i was skeptical. but what will come comes. and the sms arrived. i..love…ohgosh..U.not joking. it’s been with me for so long and it’s still preventing me like a barrier…

and i was like. no kc… don’t do this to yourself… please don’t fall in love with my online persona! you hardly know me in real life. it’s not fair to me, and it’s not fair to him. but alas i’ve been through the same thing, so i can understand how hard it would be for him to let go. and so i persuaded him. tried to talk him out of it, albeit slowly. he promised he would do it, but i know it won’t be so soon.

but… having said that… i think we’ve grown closer. i called him when i got home at 0100. we talked. i was so honoured that he actually decided to PICK UP! and this morning… i woke up, and the first thought in my mind was: get onto msn. and so i did, and waited patiently. and then there he was. we talked, then we smsed after he left house to get to tekong. i told him i’ll wait till he’s grown up. but his sincerity is really touching. even though he’s afraid, he’s shy (once bitten twice shy… we’re both the same), he still leaves a bit of time, a bit of attention for me. he had to leave house at 645. from 600 onwards, i think he slowly counted down minute by minute. how much time we had left for each other. i read his nic over and over again. he said, i’m really gonna miss you… from 2day onwards… gosh.

he told me, he’ll call when i leave on tues. he told me, please wait for my sms when you arrive in melb. it will arrive by 10, and if it doesn’t it means there is something wrong with your phone. what a dear.

all i’m feeling now is a warm and fuzzy feeling. it feels as if i’m filled. full. like suddenly, there is someone who gives a damn about me again. he told me, if anything happened to you i’ll go crazy. the feeling of love? i’m trying to keep it down. trying really hard. i’m not a single lady yet, and i don’t want to mislead him. i don’t want him to get hurt again. and he’s still too childish.

he promised we’ll meet when we go back to melb. i believe him. but that’s in 7month’s time. how would we last?

stay tuned to the tale of me and kinkycoffee.

i would like to know the ending as well, but this story has just started.

(your weirdness and your girly voice is really growing on me…)