Him and them

i’m afraid of people like him. people who are cheerful, really really cheerful. these kind of people always has a hidden, darker side that they choose to hide with their so called “joy”. but yet i choose to surround myself with these people, because they choose to reveal that troubled side they have to me, so that we know we can still be human, still be plagued by problems, but yet still laugh about it. as for him… i really have no idea what is the dark side he is hiding away so well.

maybe it is his past? about how he struggled to grow up amidst poverty? but he is doing well now isn’t he? then again i suppose these insecurities continue to plague a person even if they manage to break out of their poverty cycle. the fear of reverting back to the life of hardship. no i know he’s not afraid of that, he is more afraid for his mother dealing with that than him. so yea. maybe that’s what he’s trying to hide by being so happy-go-lucky all day long. oh wait no. he’s not even happy-go-lucky, his cheerfulness has a very disturbing tense-ness to it that… i’m not sure other people notice, but is very very obvious to me. such a paper-thin defence that can be seen through so easily, but underneath that is a very very thick layer of defence that i couldn’t even scratch the surface of.

occasionally he has shown me glimpses of his heart, but the defence barrier has never been striped away. and i guess what got me uncomfortable was that he kept asking me to bare myself to him, when he doesn’t do that himself. maybe that was why i felt so insecure with him, even though i know that he can protect me, but only physically. mentally and emotionally, he had a lot of baggage to deal with, so i knew (early on perhaps) that there was no way he can protect me in these 2 aspects. was i too naive, too idealistic, to have pushed it on? i think i was. i tried my very best to be positive, to have hope, but in the end our little fairytale ended, and i gave up first. maybe he hasn’t forgiven me for that, so he’s not talking to me at all now.

that brings me to the next point. he absolutely does not talk to me at all. and i still can’t wrap my head around that. it’s your fault uncle, you’ve made me expect him to continue a “friendship” after a relationship. but then i remember, we never had a friendship before our relationship. we were lovers way before we even thought of a friendship. is that another reason why? i don’t know i don’t know… all i know is he makes me feel as if all the things we’ve done last time didn’t mean enough for him to even think about maintaining a friendship with me. he makes me feel inadequate, and i hate to feel that way because i already know that i am. ahh… i used to say to myself, no friendships after a relationship, but now it just sounds cruel to me. having a friendship after a relationship tells the other party that, hey you’ve done things to hurt me, and i’ve done things to hurt you, but all that is done, and i appreciate you enough to still want you in my life.

now i understand uncle’s standpoint on this. and i totally agree with him. then again, is the idiot waiting for me to make the first move? i don’t know. all i know is i’m not as spontaneous as that. and if he is waiting, then too bad because i’m not gonna make the first move. i sound evil don’t i? well i’m still a conservative girl. and i really have nothing to say if i lose this friendship, because i never knew how life was like with him as a friend anyway. why miss something you’ve never experienced before? and anyhow he seems to be perfectly fine with the others, so i shall leave him to that.

i guess what i really wanted to say was… i’m just hurt that the others would go out with him and everything, but they’ve never asked me along for anything. maybe they didn’t know that i was staying for winter, so they assumed i was away for farmwork. but it just sucks to be the one left out in the cold doesn’t it? and that’s how i feel right now. i am not needed, so therefore i will not need! simple isn’t it? sounds like a woman with a vengeance if you ask me. but that’s the way they make me feel. i was never that close to them, and perhaps i will never be. you can’t make friends out of everyone.

but what’s this sense of disappointment that weighs down so heavily? is it that i’m disappointed in them not wanting to include me in their little gang, or disapointment in myself for not having tried hard enough to fit into their gang?

i hate feeling inadequate. seriously.

Looking for a bit of companionship

i do mean it when i say i miss blogging. i don’t think i’ve never realised how good a medium it is for me to vent my frustrations in, and i’ll never be able to do it justice with my sporadic blogging from time to time. but i’m sure it doesnt hold grudges against me anyway. thanks honey.

been totally bogged down by school work… and just about 8743568 other stuff? finally decided i had enough of mugging tonight and wanted to blog instead. and i’m glad i made that decision. another thing that always gets me when it comes to blogging is that i need to upload photos that i want to be on the blog. which always takes up so much time, and by the time i’m done uploading the 1762345 photos all the stuff i wanted to write about would have flown out of my head. but still, nothing says as much as a picture.

has been contacting mega intensively for the past… 2 weeks now i think? i think we’re both enjoying our role-playing. we are in a “relationship” that requires no form of commitment at all, but yet we are choosing to immerse ourselves in our roles. he’s the “hubby” and i’m the “honey”, and we greet each other these way on msn and in game. thank goodness not on the phone though, but we have tried it before (and had a good laugh about it too). i can understand why he would want that though. a nice little free relationship with no need for obliged commitment, but still deriving joy from the amount of company we get with each other. hopefully it does teach him a thing or two about being in a real relationship, although i do have to say i have been extremely understanding and tolerant as a “wife”. but i think he does know when his actions may cause jealousy and tries his best to “correct it”. not a bad catch, but too bad he is really way too young for me. almost a 2 year difference in age. and he’s still a bit childish, despite possessing some maturity much beyond his tender age of 19 (this year).

just a picture of a training guide dog that we saw at the GDV. beautiful animals.

as for kc… i think i do realise that it’s pretty impossible for us? we are quite fundamentally different people. he tends to get pretty emotional at times, but at other times he can be very bubbly. ok wait that sounds like me actually. but his bubbly is different from my bubbly! he still sounds like a kid. ok no that sounds like me too. that’s how i behave in front of people. but the me inside knows the difference between being childish and being child-like. i know when i’m behaving in a child-like manner that i’m not really childish? but i don’t think kc has realised that yet. or maybe he does and he’s not restraining himself. yet, at the same time i don’t want to leave him in that sense? i know i always read too much into stuff and i’m always too hopeful, which is something i need to fix. but at least for this time i realised it early on and haven’t dedicated too much into this fruitless relationship. so we’re still hovering at the cliff, but i’m slowing inching my way back to safety. and i will try my very best to pull him back as well. we are gonna walk out of this unharmed. that’s my most sincere wish for him. he has been hurt too many times, and i’m hoping this won’t be a repeat of all the crap he has been through. i just wanna be by his side as a (naggy motherly figure) caring friend, and to see how he’s gonna grow up. well technically he is, but i want to see how that child-like figure in him slowly learns to grasp the cruelty of the world, and slowly mature. and i want to be there to catch him if he falls. that’s the least i can do.

a picture of a street performer. i was so entranced by his guitar skills that i actually stopped and pulled my earphones out to hear him, even though i was on the opposite side of the road.

and i guess he felt my intense stare eh? hope it didn’t make him feel uncomfortable to have an admiring fan secretly snapping away at him behind his back. ok that actually sounded quite scary.

my life seems to be revolving around these 2 guys as of the moment. but don’t worry i have a life outside of them too. interesting to see how guys and girls are able to get so close, despite the negative connotations in the society about how a guy can’t be purely friends with a girl and vice versa. i tend to believe that, but yet i believe that we can suppress that side of us that wants to bring this friendship up a notch. so yeap, a guy and a girl can’t be purely friends, but it’s their behaviour towards each other that directs the course of their relationship. i don’t deny that i do feel a buzz for these 2, but yet i do know that they are childish fantasies that don’t come true. but yet it is this attraction between sexes that promotes the continuation of a friendship. that desire to “satisfy” each other and to “please” each other seems to be ingrained and hardwired into our minds when it comes to matters relating to the opposite sex. must have been an ancient survival requirement in the past that was preserved all the way till now.

hence, in conclusion… no worries this isn’t an academic essay. so tired of those already sheesh. but that should have given a clue to the direction of this paragraph. yup it is time to say goodbye… but it won’t be like the long drawn goodbyes i have with kc. we always wait till the last few minutes before i’m actually gonna hang up before we actually start talking a lot more to each other. ah well… still better than hanging up and wishing we could have said more. time for a bit of me time after a long day in school.

ta.

The Perfect Flaw

am i flawed? then again, aren’t we all? but somehow again and again i think there is something… wrong with the way i think. ok maybe not wrong, but just that it doesn’t fit into the society norm. like… i don’t feel like i fit in sometimes. even though i am the crazy bubbly person in school, and the crazy bubbly person online, but i know that that isn’t who i really am, or who i want to be.

all of us want to be liked. we like to feel that we’re at the centre of someone’s world. we like to be given attention, to the extent of drowning in it. but for me… i admit i do feel this way sometimes, but i would rather prefer to be alone. there is something very threatening about attention, like i have to give away something about me to get it. and it scares me. it puts a chill through my body, and puts a lock on my heart. i’ve always withdrawn away from people, so that they won’t know much about me. yet there is a part of me that yearns for a bit of attention, for someone who is actually interested enough to try to unlock the heavy lock i’ve placed around myself. alas, i think i’ve been mislead too many times in the past, reading too much into people. so now, i’d rather be more careful and loose a potential friend than to open up and risk hurting myself.

is there something wrong with the way i treat friendship? i never dared to trouble people before. it always made sense to me not to ask for help until i really have no paths left open to me. is it because i don’t trust them? well sometimes that’s true i suppose. once a friend asked me if there was someone i trusted with my whole heart and soul. i pondered and realised, there was no one. there is no one in this world i can put my utmost trust in, no one i can trust with my life and my secrets. it’s ironic how we are a community, but a community made up of individuals.

yesterday kc asked if i was gonna call. i said no, because i didn’t want to disturb him. he seemed pretty perturbed by that stand as he commented, i thought you called people to keep in contact with them, not to disturb them? and it struck me, why hadn’t i thought of that before. it was always natural to me that anything i do which intrudes on other people’s space meant i was disturbing them. perhaps maybe i feel that way, so i assumed everyone else was the same. suppose it’s a wrong way of thinking huh. only by intruding upon other people’s sphere of existence do you give them an excuse to intrude into yours.

i think i’m a sucker for love. any guy that comes along and says to me, i like you, is able to set off my heart rate. and i find it nearly impossible to say no. i always wonder how do other girls do it. how they could look into the eyes (or look at an sms/email/etc you get it) of a man who likes them and flatly refuse? do they not feel any reciprocative feelings? if they do, they’ve done a good job at either hiding it or supressing it. i just… can’t. happened to me so many times already. thank goodness for some of them, the guy did something to hurt me before i dedicated myself into it. but alas, some lasted all the way into a relationship before something happens and i’m thrown aside. and i can already feel myself getting more and more weary. don’t read about how i keep saying i’m not gonna get into anything with kc and think i’ll be able to do it. i do feel something for him, but just that this time it’s much more… hmm… bland? like my feelings have been diluted down. i no longer feel that rush of absolute joy when i see his sms, nor does my heart thump as hard as i prepare to call him. i’m no longer affected by the fact that we don’t really have a lot of common topics, and i don’t get irritated by him not contacting me for a long period of time.

but he has touched me by his sincerity. here is a dude, struggling through army, wading through life, bogged down (well not really)  by all his commitments (i.e. watching old movies, playing games, guitar…), and he still bothers to take time off for me. yea i know it could be just a moment of boredem that he decides to sms me, but i can feel the sincerity oozing out of his every sms. i think the fire that raged in his heart for me a while back has died down into a small but steady flame, which we feed constantly through our few but heart felt messages (that’s what he calls them). we try our best to sustain each other in a weird way, but it helps keep me sane in a way. if not, i can almost imagine how alone i would feel, and how much that would just close myself up even more.

2 lonely souls, wandering around in the endless sea of lost sanity and dead passions. they met by chance, amidst the infinite fate they have with anyone else. she was alone, cast into the deep end of the pool. he was alone, trying to battle the ghosts of insecurity that plagued him. but together they are no longer lonely. even though they may not be together, but knowing each other’s presence is enough to sustain the tiny dying flame within their bodies. is this flame what we call hope?

i hope so.

thanks kc. seriously.