When is the right time to start?

confronting question: would you go out with someone you think you won’t/don’t want to marry? this is what has been bugging me for the past few days. there’s that feeling in my bones that keeps nagging, don’t play around anymore… just find someone decent and settle down… you’re not young anymore… but… the presence of kc has disrupted everything. he is someone i am interested in, but someone i… don’t want to marry? or at least i don’t think i will marry. to me, marriage and love are 2 very different things. if i can marry the man i love, good. if not, too bad. i do seem extremely practical don’t i? i want a good lover, and i want a good husband. when i reach that point in time when i can get married, i would rather look for a good husband than a good lover. most of the time, these 2 qualities are not found on the same man. which is quite a waste actually.

kc… i think he… isn’t a good lover. definitely won’t be a good husband and father as of now. but i am really interested in him, and i want to see how far we can carry this game. the way we treat other is just so… weird. we’re not friends, we’re not lovers. we’re something in between. he tells me things about following pretty girls to look at them. i am still quite amused by that. well at least i won’t tell that to a guy i liked. but he makes me feel special (doesn’t it always start like this). then again i think that it’s because there is no one else in his life now except for my “presence”. ahh… which falls right back into the 1st category of my 2 types of relationships. it feels so flimsy, this thing. how can it last? i just can’t understand that.

kc’s a good kid… he’s weird, he’s sweet, he’s funny, and he has a soothing baby voice. doesn’t seem to match any of my requirements. intellectually stimulating? hmmm naaah… gentlemanly… nope not really. mature? oh hohohoho never. so why? why have i allowed myself to show so much interest in a man i won’t have looked at twice? i guess different circumstances do bring together unexpected pairings. as i have described before, we were lonely, we were tired. and then we found each other. sounds cliched and touching, but it isn’t. not to me anyway. it just sounds so thin and fake. i want to fall in love with someone not because they were the ones beside me when i was sad and down, but because they were with me when i was up and happy and i can still feel their love. when i’m vulnerable, my heart will thrash out and grab at any passing support. and i won’t know how to differentiate between gratitude and love. and i’m tired of being misled by my brainless heart. pun intended.

if i can do it all over again… i think i would have started dating earlier. then i would have had a better idea of what i want from a relationship now. i would have also gotten to know enough guys to realise what i want in a man too. but as of now, i’m happy, being with kc like this. we give each other loads of space (too much in my opinion), but yet we manage to keep each other wanting more. we go out and frolick in the day, but at night we come back to each other.

would i start a relationship with a man i might not marry? i think… i would love to give him a chance, to see if he can change into someone i would like to spend the rest of my life with.

Happyness

my my look at the date.. it has been more than 2 weeks since i’ve updated! so sorry if anyone actually bothers to check this blog for updates. been extremely busy with school and my game (ok more so the game i think). school – lots of notes to sort out, a project to finish, another i’ve yet started on. game – training for a friend, and i’m getting married to mega soon. HAHA. ok that was so unexpected isn’t it? well it’s just a game, and we’ve said, it is going to be a marriage of convenience, so that we can do one of the quests together. but is it just a nagging little bug in my tummy that’s telling me he might like me? or maybe i’m reading too much again. but we throw stuff like “i miss you” and “must be thinking too much of you” etc around too, so i suppose it’s just a game after all. but the whole idea of marriage has thrown us into a frenzy. i told him to call me missus and i’ll call him mista. just like the good ole’ farming days aye? the missus has whipped up a good ole hearty meal for the mista! as he says, for the fun of it. i’m just hoping kc won’t find out, or won’t kick up a big fuss because of it.

in school, we went for this mini workshop the department organised for us. it was pretty fun and intriguing at times. and we went for this lecture about happyiness, and what defines it. the lecturer asked, when was the last time you felt really happy? i was so tempted to say, the night before. because i was talking to kc that night. and it’s true. no one makes me smile like he does. as she went on to define what happyness is (which is a combination of joy and meaning), it just struck me how… happy i am now. no doubt i’m more “alone” than compared to last year, but who’s to say the physical company i had last time could compare with the emotional company i have now? and it’s not only kc when it comes to that. even mega is keeping in contact with me now, calling me every now and then to chat about… our game (what else could you expect?). but it’s all good. we keep each other company.

the other night i was talking to kc, and he was sick. my heart absolutely wrenched in its little cavity when i heard him cough. don’t know why but i rarely feel this way. broke my heart to hear him coughing like that. poor baby… and so that got me thinking about what kind of future we would have. i can’t say that i love him (not to a “ficitional” character on the phone no), but i can’t deny the fact that i do feel a slight buzz around him. which then caused me to think about mega. i’m trying my best not to read into his words and actions, but i just can’t help feeling that he’s flirting with me. or that he has a tiny bit of feeling for me. tiny. but it’s there. yet again, he knows that another of his friend might be interested in me (i have no idea about that because that mutual friend is currently MIA), and he didn’t seem like the sort who will show interest in a girl that his buddy likes. then i reminded myself, he’s in army. army guys can do anything. seriously. and maybe it’s a bad thing, but his voice reminds me of my 1st, which is kinda scary…

i think i need to start restraining myself already. mega did tell me that he tends to over-read a person’s actions and words, so i must remind myself not to give him the wrong signals. a few mista-s here and there would suffice to keep our gaming life spiced up, but maybe it’s time to take it easy… he’s just a friend my dear. no need to keep him too close. it will end up hurting him more than it does me.

ok after a gap of a few days, this post should be ready to be posted. gosh. i really hope i don’t hurt mega. he seems to be getting more and more drawn into our roles. not that i’m reading anything into his honey-s and stuff, but yeap. i can feel it. restraint!

time for an update after this post. ciao~