been feeling a bit lonely lately… doing things i usually do with him alone now. going to the market, going out to buy stuff, buying rice… guess at the end of the day, i would rather still depend on myself, because other people just aren’t reliable enough for me to lean on. if that is so… i’d rather be with myself.
was pondering the other day. it could have been so easy for me to have slipped my hand through his, held his arm like i always did, touch his body… it could have been so easy for us both to have salvaged this dying relationship. just a word, just a touch, just a hug, just a kiss. why didn’t i do it? i kept asking myself. now i know. i finally know why i didn’t. i remember the pain too vividly. i can still feel that bitter after-taste of being put aside for so long. that uncomfortable-ness of knowing that i will never be his top priority.
i was no longer searching for instant gratification. and i hope i will never as well. i can almost imagine myself enjoying these few days before school, and after school starts the binding grip will once again be crushing down upon my heart. that dull ache, that silent bleeding, the draining emotions… i can almost feel them now. it’s not something i want to go through again… it’s too… devastating.
“i wish i can say i love you, but i can’t”
was that a feeble attempt to convince me that you still want me back? or is it just a weak attempt at convincing yourself that you still had feelings for me?
yup. maybe i am growing up. i no longer just want an instant gratification. i want a long term guarantee. i want long term stable-ness and commitment. i’m no longer a toy that people can throw around when they don’t need me anymore. everyone likes to feel like they’re needed ya? i’m no different. why should i be.
