Him and them

i’m afraid of people like him. people who are cheerful, really really cheerful. these kind of people always has a hidden, darker side that they choose to hide with their so called “joy”. but yet i choose to surround myself with these people, because they choose to reveal that troubled side they have to me, so that we know we can still be human, still be plagued by problems, but yet still laugh about it. as for him… i really have no idea what is the dark side he is hiding away so well.

maybe it is his past? about how he struggled to grow up amidst poverty? but he is doing well now isn’t he? then again i suppose these insecurities continue to plague a person even if they manage to break out of their poverty cycle. the fear of reverting back to the life of hardship. no i know he’s not afraid of that, he is more afraid for his mother dealing with that than him. so yea. maybe that’s what he’s trying to hide by being so happy-go-lucky all day long. oh wait no. he’s not even happy-go-lucky, his cheerfulness has a very disturbing tense-ness to it that… i’m not sure other people notice, but is very very obvious to me. such a paper-thin defence that can be seen through so easily, but underneath that is a very very thick layer of defence that i couldn’t even scratch the surface of.

occasionally he has shown me glimpses of his heart, but the defence barrier has never been striped away. and i guess what got me uncomfortable was that he kept asking me to bare myself to him, when he doesn’t do that himself. maybe that was why i felt so insecure with him, even though i know that he can protect me, but only physically. mentally and emotionally, he had a lot of baggage to deal with, so i knew (early on perhaps) that there was no way he can protect me in these 2 aspects. was i too naive, too idealistic, to have pushed it on? i think i was. i tried my very best to be positive, to have hope, but in the end our little fairytale ended, and i gave up first. maybe he hasn’t forgiven me for that, so he’s not talking to me at all now.

that brings me to the next point. he absolutely does not talk to me at all. and i still can’t wrap my head around that. it’s your fault uncle, you’ve made me expect him to continue a “friendship” after a relationship. but then i remember, we never had a friendship before our relationship. we were lovers way before we even thought of a friendship. is that another reason why? i don’t know i don’t know… all i know is he makes me feel as if all the things we’ve done last time didn’t mean enough for him to even think about maintaining a friendship with me. he makes me feel inadequate, and i hate to feel that way because i already know that i am. ahh… i used to say to myself, no friendships after a relationship, but now it just sounds cruel to me. having a friendship after a relationship tells the other party that, hey you’ve done things to hurt me, and i’ve done things to hurt you, but all that is done, and i appreciate you enough to still want you in my life.

now i understand uncle’s standpoint on this. and i totally agree with him. then again, is the idiot waiting for me to make the first move? i don’t know. all i know is i’m not as spontaneous as that. and if he is waiting, then too bad because i’m not gonna make the first move. i sound evil don’t i? well i’m still a conservative girl. and i really have nothing to say if i lose this friendship, because i never knew how life was like with him as a friend anyway. why miss something you’ve never experienced before? and anyhow he seems to be perfectly fine with the others, so i shall leave him to that.

i guess what i really wanted to say was… i’m just hurt that the others would go out with him and everything, but they’ve never asked me along for anything. maybe they didn’t know that i was staying for winter, so they assumed i was away for farmwork. but it just sucks to be the one left out in the cold doesn’t it? and that’s how i feel right now. i am not needed, so therefore i will not need! simple isn’t it? sounds like a woman with a vengeance if you ask me. but that’s the way they make me feel. i was never that close to them, and perhaps i will never be. you can’t make friends out of everyone.

but what’s this sense of disappointment that weighs down so heavily? is it that i’m disappointed in them not wanting to include me in their little gang, or disapointment in myself for not having tried hard enough to fit into their gang?

i hate feeling inadequate. seriously.

KC

oh kc…

we talked for almost 2hours on saturday evening. well night. well fine, midnight then. i called you because my internet was down (again), and i wanted to talk. ayebeeceedeeyeeaefgee… you picked up the call and we started talking. i can definitely remember talking about inconsequential stuff, like how to pronounce my name, how difficult it is to play Bella Luna on the guitar, how emo you were, and of course gaming stuff.

there were long periods of silence, when both of us couldn’t think of anything to fill in the blanks. and then there were periods of laughter, when both of us LOL-ed and i rofl-ed as well. make that robl. there were periods of music as well, when you would play a short segment of a song you learnt. you kept saying, i can’t concentrate while holding the phone. but i bet you were nervous weren’t you?

your voice is so soft, so feminine, so gentle. almost like a child, for someone who’s turning 20 in 9 month’s time. there is a tinge of tiredness in that voice, a slight weariness, as if you’ve been through too much for the past few years. but otherwise, you sounded like an awkward teen, talking to a girl you like on the phone. hope i wasn’t too intimidating.

the next day, i woke up. and i thought of you. and my heart felt, ever so slightly, a bit sour. and i knew i missed you.

“Ai mees yoo.”

“I missed you too.”

i know this won’t last. i just know. we’re very different people. at least that’s what i think. you’ll get over me after a few months, and we’ll go back to being friends. being good friends then. it’s quite unbelieveable that we’ve known each other for nearly 2 years. i guess that’s because we rarely talked to each other back then. you were way too hyper for me to catch up with. and anyway you had someone else. but we were always aware of each other’s presence.

sometimes i wonder why you like me. perhaps i was just someone who showed you the right amount of attention when you were feeling down once. perhaps i am just someone who provided… good company. but then when i think back about it, i’ve never really talked much to you in the past. all i remember was, we exchanged numbers and i smsed you a few times. then we disappeared from each other’s radar until camel told me that you were looking for me.

maybe that’s why i was surprised when you said you liked me. and that’s why i tried to dissuade you in a way, because i know that there is something wrong with your reasons for liking me. i’m tired of being just “good company”. i want someone who wants to be with me as well. i don’t want to be a toy that can be thrown out after you get tired of it. and i’m tired of guys going for any decent girl that comes along, especially when they are in army.

but still… no matter how i look at it, you don’t seem to fit into the type of guys who could hurt me. ah but it’s always deceptive isn’t it? he was like that too, gentleman-ly, kind, funny. but circumstances change all the time. one day it could be till-death-do-us-apart, and the next day it could be sorry-can’t-play-anymore. that is part and parcel of being in a relationship i suppose. the focus is on how the couple deals with the changed situation.

couple… this word makes me laugh now. us? no way.

i do miss you though.

Kinky days

such swoon-worthy days… yea yea i know this is only for like the “honeymoon” period, but we should enjoy it before it’s gone no? sweet smses, flirting with each other… words seem more than words… thrown around like little candies, to sweeten you whenever it touches your hands, face, lips, arms.

“can i stun you again? i love you”

it’s always amazing what little things can do? just a stupid phrase like this, which carries no voice, no feelings, no emotions, no actions… but all the same, it send a little thrill of delight up your spine. it leaves you feeling tingly. it makes your heart thump just a bit faster, just a bit harder. it makes you swoon, it makes your heart flutter, it makes your time stop, it makes you grin.

it makes you feel loved.

just for that short 1s, before the real world forcefully pushes back into your attention span. the insecurites seep back in… “is he toying with me? just a random phrase that he doesn’t mean?” it’s inevitable for me at least, because i am an extremely insecure girl. i don’t know why, but i just am. that’s why i’m skeptical, to protect myself. but once i do dedicate myself, it’s very hard for me to save the remenants of my heart if it gets stepped on.

no pain, no gain huh?