Sabishi

i’ve never felt so alone before, and i’ve never felt so at ease with it. my mom is not coming to visit me. baby’s becoming increasingly irritating and missing, hubby’s missing too. friends are away at farmwork, went home, or are busy with family/boyfriend. serious. all those whom i’m close with are all not here.

what’s that’s really getting to me is that he is totally enjoying his time. or maybe that’s what it seems like. looking at the amount of activities going on in his life just puts me to shame. what have i done to move on from this and enrich my life? nothing. i wanted to do something this holiday. and yes i did it, by securing a farmwork. but as mom says, that’s just 2 weeks. what about the other 2? and that made me speechless. i really had no plans.

perhaps you should work? naaah… there ain’t jobs that last for 2 weeks. maybe go around to visit other suburbs? hmmm but transport is expensive. ok then… how about doing some exercises in the neighbourhood? it’s way too cold! you get the drift don’t you?

i feel ashamed of myself. of my procrastinations. and i know when i look back on these 2 weeks in the future i would regret not having done anything significant. well the only significant thing i did was to watch anime. and slack. i can spend 1 whole week not stepping out of the building, and i am so disgusted by my own actions. but yet… i still have not done anything. i’m still sitting here, typing this lame post, chomping away on my dinner and feeling bored.

well the coming week is gonna be the last week i have to slack before going away for farmwork on the 14th. that should keep me entertained, tired and worn out for the next 2 weeks before school starts. and then it’s back to another busy semester, with more difficult things to learn and memorise. will this holiday help to recharge me? i don’t know. i’m just so frustrated by my lack of conviction now.

i say i’m not afraid of being alone. and i mean it. but no one, no one can fend off that sense of loss and emptyness that comes with being alone. it takes a strong heart to resist that and stay off the track to self-destruction. or else it takes a dull heart, like mine, to block out the associated pain. now i know what he means when he says the spark died. i think mine just did. or has it been dead for so long, and my heart has been so frozen it never realised that? i don’t know. but there is nothing i can do now but to tough it out.

just survive for this week baby. you might not be affected by the whole being alone thing, but no one can do without a bit of attention. maybe that’s why kc is directing his attention to you. it’s not love or anything like that. it’s just a desperate clinging onto something that helps to keep one occupied. or should i say, clinging onto someone. maybe that’s why i can’t let go of him too, even though all that he says are do now just seems to be for the purpose of irritating me. because i know, as of now, there is no one i can cling to.

speaking of that… why is it that guys like to mention other girls to girls they are interested in? is it a way of checking out if the girl of interest is actually interested in them to the point that they will be jealous of that act of mentioning another girl? or is it just a guy thing, to need to talk about that pretty girl they saw on the streets that day, even if it’s to another girl? i’m not getting jealous that kc likes to talk about girls that turn him on or stuff like that. it’s just kind of incomprehensible for a girl to talk about that to a guy? or vice versa. what am i supposed to say? to sound jealous? or to sound happy for them? or to sound cheeky? wakaranai.

stop thinking that you’re grown up baby. the truth is you are far from it. the way you talk about stuff… it’s an attempt to resolve the amount of emotions you have, but the way you deal with them is just not there yet. the way you talk about girls… the way you talk about… physical intimacy? lol. fancy dandy word. maybe you’re not revealing that side to me. but what you’re showing me now is what that’s making me give you the nickname of baby. you’ll always be a baby. but sadly not mine. as this drags on i am getting more and more convinced of this. but it’s ok, because i know that one day you’ll realise that too. and you’ll slowly let go of this, with both of us escaping unscathed in this little adventure of yours.

ahh…

Happyness

my my look at the date.. it has been more than 2 weeks since i’ve updated! so sorry if anyone actually bothers to check this blog for updates. been extremely busy with school and my game (ok more so the game i think). school – lots of notes to sort out, a project to finish, another i’ve yet started on. game – training for a friend, and i’m getting married to mega soon. HAHA. ok that was so unexpected isn’t it? well it’s just a game, and we’ve said, it is going to be a marriage of convenience, so that we can do one of the quests together. but is it just a nagging little bug in my tummy that’s telling me he might like me? or maybe i’m reading too much again. but we throw stuff like “i miss you” and “must be thinking too much of you” etc around too, so i suppose it’s just a game after all. but the whole idea of marriage has thrown us into a frenzy. i told him to call me missus and i’ll call him mista. just like the good ole’ farming days aye? the missus has whipped up a good ole hearty meal for the mista! as he says, for the fun of it. i’m just hoping kc won’t find out, or won’t kick up a big fuss because of it.

in school, we went for this mini workshop the department organised for us. it was pretty fun and intriguing at times. and we went for this lecture about happyiness, and what defines it. the lecturer asked, when was the last time you felt really happy? i was so tempted to say, the night before. because i was talking to kc that night. and it’s true. no one makes me smile like he does. as she went on to define what happyness is (which is a combination of joy and meaning), it just struck me how… happy i am now. no doubt i’m more “alone” than compared to last year, but who’s to say the physical company i had last time could compare with the emotional company i have now? and it’s not only kc when it comes to that. even mega is keeping in contact with me now, calling me every now and then to chat about… our game (what else could you expect?). but it’s all good. we keep each other company.

the other night i was talking to kc, and he was sick. my heart absolutely wrenched in its little cavity when i heard him cough. don’t know why but i rarely feel this way. broke my heart to hear him coughing like that. poor baby… and so that got me thinking about what kind of future we would have. i can’t say that i love him (not to a “ficitional” character on the phone no), but i can’t deny the fact that i do feel a slight buzz around him. which then caused me to think about mega. i’m trying my best not to read into his words and actions, but i just can’t help feeling that he’s flirting with me. or that he has a tiny bit of feeling for me. tiny. but it’s there. yet again, he knows that another of his friend might be interested in me (i have no idea about that because that mutual friend is currently MIA), and he didn’t seem like the sort who will show interest in a girl that his buddy likes. then i reminded myself, he’s in army. army guys can do anything. seriously. and maybe it’s a bad thing, but his voice reminds me of my 1st, which is kinda scary…

i think i need to start restraining myself already. mega did tell me that he tends to over-read a person’s actions and words, so i must remind myself not to give him the wrong signals. a few mista-s here and there would suffice to keep our gaming life spiced up, but maybe it’s time to take it easy… he’s just a friend my dear. no need to keep him too close. it will end up hurting him more than it does me.

ok after a gap of a few days, this post should be ready to be posted. gosh. i really hope i don’t hurt mega. he seems to be getting more and more drawn into our roles. not that i’m reading anything into his honey-s and stuff, but yeap. i can feel it. restraint!

time for an update after this post. ciao~