When is the right time to start?

confronting question: would you go out with someone you think you won’t/don’t want to marry? this is what has been bugging me for the past few days. there’s that feeling in my bones that keeps nagging, don’t play around anymore… just find someone decent and settle down… you’re not young anymore… but… the presence of kc has disrupted everything. he is someone i am interested in, but someone i… don’t want to marry? or at least i don’t think i will marry. to me, marriage and love are 2 very different things. if i can marry the man i love, good. if not, too bad. i do seem extremely practical don’t i? i want a good lover, and i want a good husband. when i reach that point in time when i can get married, i would rather look for a good husband than a good lover. most of the time, these 2 qualities are not found on the same man. which is quite a waste actually.

kc… i think he… isn’t a good lover. definitely won’t be a good husband and father as of now. but i am really interested in him, and i want to see how far we can carry this game. the way we treat other is just so… weird. we’re not friends, we’re not lovers. we’re something in between. he tells me things about following pretty girls to look at them. i am still quite amused by that. well at least i won’t tell that to a guy i liked. but he makes me feel special (doesn’t it always start like this). then again i think that it’s because there is no one else in his life now except for my “presence”. ahh… which falls right back into the 1st category of my 2 types of relationships. it feels so flimsy, this thing. how can it last? i just can’t understand that.

kc’s a good kid… he’s weird, he’s sweet, he’s funny, and he has a soothing baby voice. doesn’t seem to match any of my requirements. intellectually stimulating? hmmm naaah… gentlemanly… nope not really. mature? oh hohohoho never. so why? why have i allowed myself to show so much interest in a man i won’t have looked at twice? i guess different circumstances do bring together unexpected pairings. as i have described before, we were lonely, we were tired. and then we found each other. sounds cliched and touching, but it isn’t. not to me anyway. it just sounds so thin and fake. i want to fall in love with someone not because they were the ones beside me when i was sad and down, but because they were with me when i was up and happy and i can still feel their love. when i’m vulnerable, my heart will thrash out and grab at any passing support. and i won’t know how to differentiate between gratitude and love. and i’m tired of being misled by my brainless heart. pun intended.

if i can do it all over again… i think i would have started dating earlier. then i would have had a better idea of what i want from a relationship now. i would have also gotten to know enough guys to realise what i want in a man too. but as of now, i’m happy, being with kc like this. we give each other loads of space (too much in my opinion), but yet we manage to keep each other wanting more. we go out and frolick in the day, but at night we come back to each other.

would i start a relationship with a man i might not marry? i think… i would love to give him a chance, to see if he can change into someone i would like to spend the rest of my life with.

Guitar, game and holiday

been a while since i’ve last updated. so sorry if anyone out there actually bothers to check this blog for updates. i did tell myself to blog occasionally, but i suppose that thought has been pushed to the back of my head. was reading his blog just now. good to see that he’s trying to keep himself occupied with all his thoughts and ideas but… i find this side of him the most… foreign? the most cold and artificial. it’s one thing to be knowledgeable and commenting on policies etc, it’s another to try to sound professional while doing it. i just don’t like this side of him. and the other side when he gambles, but ah well let’s not go there shall we.

went marketing this sat… saw him together with the rest of the guys. well at least i saw him, not sure if he saw me, because we just squeezed past each other. my heart beat increased, but it was no longer that omg-look-there-he-is kind of excitement. it was more of a hey-he-looks-ok kind of sentiment. i really hope there is someone who is keeping the emotional side of him alive, because i can really imagine him becoming emotionless in the near future. and my emtional i don’t mean the occasional laughing and stuff, but his EQ. i have no worries with the way he deals with people. it’s just the way he opens up to them, or the lack thereof. there is something very empty about him, like he lacks a bit of emotional comprehensibility. having said that though, it can’t be denied that he went through a lot in his 22yrs on earth, and maybe some events have numbed him to the point of no return. but still, this is not an excuse to give up and not try.

i know who he reminds me of now. my5. they are the same kind of person, armed with loads of knowledge, and a bit of self smugness. ok a lot of self smugness in my5’s case, but the idea is there. it is extremely stimulating (not in the other sense) to get into a conversation with them, but when you try to prod further they sort of lose their… passion? it’s like all of a sudden the emotions drop out of their voice and you’re left wondering, holy smokes what did i say wrong? but then again people like them are very suited for work, since their lack of emotions will serve them well in a dog eat dog world. it’s people like them that i’m afraid of, because you can never know what they are thinking. on the surface they are calm and cool, and nothing ever disturbs that peace. but deep down inside there are storms and torrents that no one will ever know of. i suddenly remembered that time when a mutual friend’s laptop got stolen. his room was situated right next to the victim, so we thought his laptop might have been stolen as well. i looked to him as we rushed back home, to see if i could comfort him in any way. to my surprise (or maybe horror?), there was a look of absolute contemplation on his face. not the tiniest twinge of worry, or fear. just… contemplation. i tried to “calm” him down but he just kept silent, the whole way back. i was like… ooooookkay… so you were alright then. the amount of emotions he keeps surpressed… it’s just scary. i don’t want to be there the day he explodes.

i really hope and pray that someone is keeping that emotional side of him alive. if not it’s just gonna get lost amidst his 287589427520975 thoughts in his head. i have kc, no complaints about that. no matter how busy, how happy, how high or how sad i am, i know there’s kc to “fall back on”, even though he’s not a very good support. but i know he tries to be. and that alone touches me. the daily smses and the biweekly calls help too. i’m intrigued to see myself interacting with him in this way, knowing full well this isn’t the direction i want this relationship to head. but it’s fun. who knows, maybe we will hurt each other in the end, when we finally realise that we can’t be together. but as of now, he’s keeping that feeling of bliss in me alive. his presence reminds me of my ability and capability to love, reminds me how it feels like when my heart skips a beat, how it feels to smile from the bottom of my heart in pure joy. it’s been a while since anyone made me smile like he does.

the only tinge of regret i feel is that we can never be close friends. from the way he’s treating me now, i can tell that he’s trying his best to avoid contact with me. the sad thing was, we were never friends before this, so we have no relationship backgrounds to fall back on. we came onto each other fact and furious with a burning passion, and this let to our downfall. my bad my bad. he hasn’t had much experience with love, so i can’t really blame it on him. then again i am a noobie as well… kc will so scold me for calling myself a noobie. but anyhow, take heed when i say, give a relationship some time to develop, some space to breathe. yes so it is a case of i like you and you like me, but that’s no reason to start the relationship there and then. you need some time for the infatuation phase to die down, for the blaze to be doused down to a manageable flame. if by then the feelings are still there, and you have gained a deeper understanding of the dude, then would i give it the green light to go ahead. as they say, passion can only carry you so far. learnt my lesson the hard way. we promised so much to each other, and then proceeded on to break each and every single one of those promises.

now as i think about it, i’m becoming increasingly wary of getting into relationships, because i know at the end i will emerge battered and defeated, and even more bitter. which will just ruin the next relationship i get into because the previous one left me so drained and numbed. i know i say i learn lessons that i will apply in my next relationship, but i can feel myself becoming more and more tired, more and more cautious around this thing called love. i no longer feel the urge to throw myself in, to commit myself, to give it my all. time to hold back on my hand and keep it covered until i get to know more about the situation. as of now, kc is not really an option, though i do like to fantasize in my head what would happen if we did get together (hey all girls fantasize ok?).  if, and i mean if, we ever do, it will be extremely interesting, because our personality would clash like nuts. ah well one can’t deny the horoscope. a sagg and a capri just seem so unlikely, one so open and bright, the other so reserved and resigned. with some extreme sacrificing i do suppose it’s possible, but who’s to say we can do it? (who’s to say we can’t as well… haha it’s what-ifs like these that kill me)

ho regarding the guitar. i’ve been trying to learn! but i’m getting a suspicious nagging that i won’t be able to pick it up, because my fingers are ridiculously short. i can hardly reach past 2 frets. sheesh. kc is a better alternative. he used to say, i’ll play and you’ll sing ok? and i’m like, ok *smiles*. back to the guitar… so yep. i’ll just try along i suppose. i better pray for a miracle. because there is no way i can pick it up within this year i predict. no harm trying though, i’ll just come out of it with callous-ed fingers and a better appreciation for guitarists.

can’t stand the fact i wasted the holidays gaming. but anyhow.

school starts tmr, and it’s gonna be choochoo train the whole way for the next 9 weeks. hope i’ll emerge alive. *primal roar*

noooooooooooooooooo… don’t let it haunt you so much… you do a pretty good imitation of it!

Never say never

never. i looked at kc’s immaturity and sl’s negativity. never never. it was a moment of frustration, of hopelessness. why have all guys turned into such… useless figures? i will never fall in love again. never.

alas… i was too harsh i suppose. we each have our own set of problems to work through as we plod through life. to each his own as mega would say. sometimes it takes a while for us to come round to such thoughts, to realise that, hey everyone’s living a different life. that there won’t be someone who can and would truly understand me because no one has gone through what i have. and so it’s unfair for me to superimpose on them what i’m feeling, because they just won’t get it. why not spend the time on something more productive rather than pulling out my hair over this?

and so i did. i talked to kc. well more like meowed and sang, but the idea was there. and i wish i could see sl again… to say sorry for being such a useles bitch, a unreliable friend who chose to shrink away when he started to grow horns and spikes. everyone goes through this phase, the phase of being absolutely paralysed by life’s uncertainties, of being bitter and scornful of all things wonderful. somehow i wished i hadn’t snapped at him, but perhaps i was disgusted by his attitude.

but if i were in his shoes, i would want to have someone beside me who can and will laugh about all the so-called good things in life, to mock the beautiful twists and turns on the path of existence. even though this may add to my bitterness, but at least i would have an outlet for all the anger and frustration to be let out. i wish i could have been there for him at his lowest, to let him know that, hey, life sucks, but at least you know it sucks for everyone at some point in their lives. all i can hope for now is that he will ok, and that he will continue on despite all the odds against him, instead of standing at the same spot, rooted with fear and rage.

oh kc… i don’t even know what to say about him anymore. the fact that we’d never be together is getting more and more apparent to me by the day, but a small corner of my heart just wouldn’t let me give up. it whispers, don’t give up yet! who’s to say there isn’t a rainbow at the end of the rain? who’s to say there’s nothing to be expected out of this? don’t give up till the end! and the rest of my wearied body retorts, until the end when you’re so ravaged you can’t even feel yourself? and the heart can only keep mum. and the brain is confused by all these thoughts flying across, wondering what step to take next without either the body or the heart’s support.

it’s like being in love with someone you shouldn’t. he draws me in with his charisma, but yet i know i must repel myself from him to keep me safe. and the ambiguity… gosh. it’s almost like we’re toying with each other? not letting each other know what we feel, but yet expressing interest and showering attention and showing concern. all the long calls, the smses, the msn conversations… are but various agents that add to this confusing mixing pot of fear, love, insecurity, concern, weariness, attraction, needs, wants.

we are weird indeed. if only if someone could come along and point out to me what on earth is happening. then again, i still won’t trust what they say, because that little voice in me just keeps bugging me to carry on, to hope for the best, to look for that golden needle in the huge haystack, to wait in the rain for that elusive rainbow that might just appear if i’m patient enough. if it appears at all.

i miss you kc. miss your weird growling, grr-ing, arr-ing. miss the shyness in you voice that is becoming more daring now. miss the gentleness of your words, even though you’re too shy to say much. miss the way you clear your throat nervously. miss the way you make me so frustrated with your “nothing!”s.

[notice] earth to ab maiden. you’ll never get together with kc.

*continues waiting*

The Perfect Flaw

am i flawed? then again, aren’t we all? but somehow again and again i think there is something… wrong with the way i think. ok maybe not wrong, but just that it doesn’t fit into the society norm. like… i don’t feel like i fit in sometimes. even though i am the crazy bubbly person in school, and the crazy bubbly person online, but i know that that isn’t who i really am, or who i want to be.

all of us want to be liked. we like to feel that we’re at the centre of someone’s world. we like to be given attention, to the extent of drowning in it. but for me… i admit i do feel this way sometimes, but i would rather prefer to be alone. there is something very threatening about attention, like i have to give away something about me to get it. and it scares me. it puts a chill through my body, and puts a lock on my heart. i’ve always withdrawn away from people, so that they won’t know much about me. yet there is a part of me that yearns for a bit of attention, for someone who is actually interested enough to try to unlock the heavy lock i’ve placed around myself. alas, i think i’ve been mislead too many times in the past, reading too much into people. so now, i’d rather be more careful and loose a potential friend than to open up and risk hurting myself.

is there something wrong with the way i treat friendship? i never dared to trouble people before. it always made sense to me not to ask for help until i really have no paths left open to me. is it because i don’t trust them? well sometimes that’s true i suppose. once a friend asked me if there was someone i trusted with my whole heart and soul. i pondered and realised, there was no one. there is no one in this world i can put my utmost trust in, no one i can trust with my life and my secrets. it’s ironic how we are a community, but a community made up of individuals.

yesterday kc asked if i was gonna call. i said no, because i didn’t want to disturb him. he seemed pretty perturbed by that stand as he commented, i thought you called people to keep in contact with them, not to disturb them? and it struck me, why hadn’t i thought of that before. it was always natural to me that anything i do which intrudes on other people’s space meant i was disturbing them. perhaps maybe i feel that way, so i assumed everyone else was the same. suppose it’s a wrong way of thinking huh. only by intruding upon other people’s sphere of existence do you give them an excuse to intrude into yours.

i think i’m a sucker for love. any guy that comes along and says to me, i like you, is able to set off my heart rate. and i find it nearly impossible to say no. i always wonder how do other girls do it. how they could look into the eyes (or look at an sms/email/etc you get it) of a man who likes them and flatly refuse? do they not feel any reciprocative feelings? if they do, they’ve done a good job at either hiding it or supressing it. i just… can’t. happened to me so many times already. thank goodness for some of them, the guy did something to hurt me before i dedicated myself into it. but alas, some lasted all the way into a relationship before something happens and i’m thrown aside. and i can already feel myself getting more and more weary. don’t read about how i keep saying i’m not gonna get into anything with kc and think i’ll be able to do it. i do feel something for him, but just that this time it’s much more… hmm… bland? like my feelings have been diluted down. i no longer feel that rush of absolute joy when i see his sms, nor does my heart thump as hard as i prepare to call him. i’m no longer affected by the fact that we don’t really have a lot of common topics, and i don’t get irritated by him not contacting me for a long period of time.

but he has touched me by his sincerity. here is a dude, struggling through army, wading through life, bogged down (well not really)  by all his commitments (i.e. watching old movies, playing games, guitar…), and he still bothers to take time off for me. yea i know it could be just a moment of boredem that he decides to sms me, but i can feel the sincerity oozing out of his every sms. i think the fire that raged in his heart for me a while back has died down into a small but steady flame, which we feed constantly through our few but heart felt messages (that’s what he calls them). we try our best to sustain each other in a weird way, but it helps keep me sane in a way. if not, i can almost imagine how alone i would feel, and how much that would just close myself up even more.

2 lonely souls, wandering around in the endless sea of lost sanity and dead passions. they met by chance, amidst the infinite fate they have with anyone else. she was alone, cast into the deep end of the pool. he was alone, trying to battle the ghosts of insecurity that plagued him. but together they are no longer lonely. even though they may not be together, but knowing each other’s presence is enough to sustain the tiny dying flame within their bodies. is this flame what we call hope?

i hope so.

thanks kc. seriously.

KC

oh kc…

we talked for almost 2hours on saturday evening. well night. well fine, midnight then. i called you because my internet was down (again), and i wanted to talk. ayebeeceedeeyeeaefgee… you picked up the call and we started talking. i can definitely remember talking about inconsequential stuff, like how to pronounce my name, how difficult it is to play Bella Luna on the guitar, how emo you were, and of course gaming stuff.

there were long periods of silence, when both of us couldn’t think of anything to fill in the blanks. and then there were periods of laughter, when both of us LOL-ed and i rofl-ed as well. make that robl. there were periods of music as well, when you would play a short segment of a song you learnt. you kept saying, i can’t concentrate while holding the phone. but i bet you were nervous weren’t you?

your voice is so soft, so feminine, so gentle. almost like a child, for someone who’s turning 20 in 9 month’s time. there is a tinge of tiredness in that voice, a slight weariness, as if you’ve been through too much for the past few years. but otherwise, you sounded like an awkward teen, talking to a girl you like on the phone. hope i wasn’t too intimidating.

the next day, i woke up. and i thought of you. and my heart felt, ever so slightly, a bit sour. and i knew i missed you.

“Ai mees yoo.”

“I missed you too.”

i know this won’t last. i just know. we’re very different people. at least that’s what i think. you’ll get over me after a few months, and we’ll go back to being friends. being good friends then. it’s quite unbelieveable that we’ve known each other for nearly 2 years. i guess that’s because we rarely talked to each other back then. you were way too hyper for me to catch up with. and anyway you had someone else. but we were always aware of each other’s presence.

sometimes i wonder why you like me. perhaps i was just someone who showed you the right amount of attention when you were feeling down once. perhaps i am just someone who provided… good company. but then when i think back about it, i’ve never really talked much to you in the past. all i remember was, we exchanged numbers and i smsed you a few times. then we disappeared from each other’s radar until camel told me that you were looking for me.

maybe that’s why i was surprised when you said you liked me. and that’s why i tried to dissuade you in a way, because i know that there is something wrong with your reasons for liking me. i’m tired of being just “good company”. i want someone who wants to be with me as well. i don’t want to be a toy that can be thrown out after you get tired of it. and i’m tired of guys going for any decent girl that comes along, especially when they are in army.

but still… no matter how i look at it, you don’t seem to fit into the type of guys who could hurt me. ah but it’s always deceptive isn’t it? he was like that too, gentleman-ly, kind, funny. but circumstances change all the time. one day it could be till-death-do-us-apart, and the next day it could be sorry-can’t-play-anymore. that is part and parcel of being in a relationship i suppose. the focus is on how the couple deals with the changed situation.

couple… this word makes me laugh now. us? no way.

i do miss you though.

Army boys

this has been bugging me for a really long time. it has always been at the back of my head, something i glance over once in a while. but since i remembered it today, it will be a good time to blog about it.

army boys. we all know them. in an all-male company for the majority of the ~2years inside the “prison”. lonely, bored, un-aroused. pissed, angry, ck(s). drained both mentally and physically, desperate. desperate. are they really all that desperate? i realised with a jolt that my relationships have all been with guys who are freshly out of army/ord-ing soon. is there something wrong with this batch of guys?

i can understand them though. freshly out from army, feeling drained, tired, weary. and some guys would experience 兵变, where their gf might dump them, just because they are in army. they come out, testosterone primed dudes in their early 20s, feeling invincible. along comes a girl who looks pretty decent, and is interested in them as well. if it was me i would pounce on them as well. makes it sound really lewd, but that’s the way isn’t it?

and then as time passes, they either (i) start to notice other better girls, or (ii) start to get tired of this girl whom they just pounced on. how can physical attraction last long eh? and then, break up, move on.

i would blame myself for getting into this mess though. i should have paid more attention to these stuff. i should have known that a momentary crush/infatuation isn’t going to bring me a long term relationship. but alas, girls being girls, we always hope for a romantic love story ya?

so my goal for now? to either find a guy who is older than me, or, to wait a few more years for the guys who are of the same age as me to grow up.

say no to army boys. seriously.

Dying sparks

i saw him today at dinner. thank goodness there were enough people around to keep the atmosphere alive. if not, i can just imagine the dead pan silence at the table if it were just the 3 of us. as always, he cooked for us, his signature soup dishes with generous helpings of meat, mushrooms and veggies he can get his hands on. and he made fish as well.

i don’t think we even looked at each other in the eye for more than 0.1s. it was more of a glance-then-look-away thing. but i’m sure we looked at each other when facing away. i know i did. his new haircut looks good. the chain around his neck is gone, but i don’t know where is it now. mine is on my ankles.

he looks so tired… so old all of a sudden. it’s as if this ordeal has caused him to age again. his eyes have lost their spark, lost their spirit, lost their owner. he looked so small, so vulnerable, something i’ve never noticed before.

his voice has also lost its strength. it sounds mellow, deep, emotionless. it sounds dejected, trapped. it sounds numbed. there is no longer that inherent joy in his speech.

for a moment i thought, why did i fall in love with such a depressing character?

but then it struck me, that i was the one who did this to him. in a way, i did promise i would stand by him, but i gave up on him first. maybe i’ve proven to him that love and a relationship isn’t worth investing in anymore. i would hate to be the one who would make him lose hope in love. in a way though, i’m glad it’s my fault? because it lessens the guilt he has to bear with.

maybe we entered this relationship without carefully examining what we wanted from it. i wanted a stable long term partner. i think he just wanted to be in a relationship, to get the marriage bit of his life settled first. but then his decision not to tell his mother about us ruined any chance of us being together. maybe if he had told her, she would have been more accepting instead of accusing him of lying to her because of a girlfriend. i don’t know. i really don’t know what would have happened.

we didn’t say a single word to each other for the whole night. but in my mind, the only scene that was replaying over and over again was how i would come up from behind him, hold him, and ask him, “are you ok?”

may you learn from this stumble.

Music

music is my life. it’s my everything. i don’t make it. i don’t perform it. i don’t even make money off of it for goodness sake. but it means the whole world to me, be it in the past, now, or in the future. i don’t know when it started. it has just been there, inherently present in my life, ever present.

was i always obsessed by music? i don’t think so. but ever since hearing my primary school choir perform a song called “Sakura” (in a not-so-good way mind you), i was introduced to it. or at least that was my 1st memory of music. ever since then i really wanted to join choir, to… sing? hmm not exactly. more to immerse myself in music i guess. started listening to the radio back then as well, listening to all my friends talk about the pop songs of those days. it was an attempt to fit in i suppose? but i’m glad i did that.

in secondary school i finally plucked up enough courage to join choir. i think that was the best decision i ever made. i do remember the insecurities i felt back then when i decided to join. it was the first time i tried to step out of my comfort zone and trying something i’ve never done before. and trust me, i didn’t like to do anything i know i won’t be able to perform well in. so this was a first for me. never regretted since.

in those days all i knew were pop songs on the radio. i entered choir based on that tiny bit of knowledge of music i had. but the seniors warned us early. they said, don’t think we’d be doing pop songs! this is a choir, so expect chorale music. what was chorale music, i though to myself. the only impression i had of that were those boring church-y music that put people to sleep. my stomach churned as i started to feel a tinge of regret joining this weird choir thing.

but alas i was not disappointed. i can’t remember the first song i learnt, but it was the SYF season then. so i guess we should have started with our SYF pieces. i don’t even remember the names of the songs (ok maybe one, Full Fathom Five), but their melodies still resonate around in my memories. and i remember my first time at the SYF, listening to all the choirs sing, and knowing full well that ours was the best. those was the days…

i’ve learnt loads of songs. i’ve even passed grade 1 theory, just enough to cover me through all the score reading. actually i learnt that by myself, those 5 lines and the little tadpoles that reside there. quavers, crotchets, rests, breaks, slurs, triplets, bass clef, all those words mean something to me now. our conductor was a great teacher. she may be slightly cold, and her level of knowledge slightly menacing for a beginner like me, but she really taught us. not just how to sing, but how to appreciate singing. in a way, it helped me learn to appreciate music as well, far deeper than i though was possible. the subtleness of a break here, the gentleness of a slur there, the little swells in the music, and the expressiveness of the lyrics. it always occurred to me, a musician must be a magician to be able to take care of all the little bits and details in a single piece of music. that only deepened my relationship with music.

i was glad to have been exposed to this other side of music, this side that few can appreicate without proper backgrounds in chorale music. i’ve sung hymns, musicals, folk songs, pop songs (yes a few with chorale arrangements). i’ve sung songs about love, death, sleep, dreams, floods, babies, christmas, drum making, roses, horses. i’ve sung in english, chinese, french, latin, mongolian, spanish, malay, tamil. and i’m thankful for these experiences.

music has enclosed me, protecting me in its thick buffer of melodies, stories and emotions. music helps me get through bad patches, music can make me depressed, music also make me high as well. it’s my au naturale depressant, stimulant. i just can’t live without music. or maybe, i don’t want to live without music. it has become part of my everday life. when i’m out and about, music fills my ears instead of the sounds of the birds, trees and cars. and sometimes, at that rare occasion when the right songs plays at the right time, with the right mood, now that is truly magical. it makes you… feel. feel even more deeply, with richer emotions, greater insights.

i like to silent-sing when i’m walking about with my music plugged into my ears. love to mouth the words and feel the emotions being expressed in the song. i’ve seen myself do it in the mirror before. looks really weird and unglamorous. but i just love to do that. so one day, if you see a long hair girl walking down the streets with ear phones plugged into her ears, looking forward with a sparkle in her eyes and mouthing the lyrics of a silent song, do smile back at her.

i’ll try my best to smile back as well. promise.

Thoughts of the other world

well it ended yesterday. with a nice clean cut i think. he wouldn’t really want to contact me much anyway… maybe we’ve held each other back from too many things. but then again, i dedicated myself with no regrets. as of now i don’t remember the joys, but i think i had fun. i wouldn’t have done anything differently if i had the chance to do it again. if there are any regrets, it lies in him only. i’m sorry he had to feel this way.

was thinking as i walked on the streets today, how would i feel when i die? what would be the thoughts running through my head at the instant my world ends? would i feel sad? happy? disappointed? satisfied? if that day had to be today, i would say… satisfied, more than anything.

it was a nice time on this planet. my life was rather boring, but it had enough excitement to last me through till now. i’ve finally experienced love, lots and lots of it, over the past 2 years. i’ve ridden its roller coaster, i’ve ridden through its river, i’ve ridden through its horror rides. all the pain, all the joy, all the could-haves, would-haves. i really can’t remember the joy bit, but i’m sure it must have been enjoyable.

joy is short-lived, pain is long term eh.

i haven’t found a best friend yet, i don’t even think i’ve found a good friend even. but i have lots of people around me who might just give a damn if i die. and that alone is enough for me. my parents, though not the best, were good enough during the times they were here. i have a wonderful extended family as well. my studies have not been disappointing, and i was on the right track to a desired career.

maybe, just maybe, i’ll be sad to leave without having any children, but that’s about the only regret i have. i’ve listened to the best songs i could have heard. my life has been filled with wonderful music. i’ve seen a baby chuckle. i’ve seen the most beautiful woman in my life smile at me. i’ve seen the warmth and glow in a cat’s eyes as she looked at me. i’ve had good food, i’ve had good drinks. i’ve enjoyed summer with the most scorching sun, i’ve suffered through winter with the most piercing winds and snow.

i’ve seen life, i’ve seen death. i’ve seen the strength, and the vulnerability of both. i’ve seen love, at its weakest and its strongest. i’ve seen hate as well, which was indeed a shocking experience. i’ve experienced religion, and frolicked in its absence.

what more can i ask for? well i know there are most probably a million other things i could have done, but no regrets. no regrets dying today.

won’t say the same for tomorrow though.

life’s like that.

living from day to day.

Kinky days

such swoon-worthy days… yea yea i know this is only for like the “honeymoon” period, but we should enjoy it before it’s gone no? sweet smses, flirting with each other… words seem more than words… thrown around like little candies, to sweeten you whenever it touches your hands, face, lips, arms.

“can i stun you again? i love you”

it’s always amazing what little things can do? just a stupid phrase like this, which carries no voice, no feelings, no emotions, no actions… but all the same, it send a little thrill of delight up your spine. it leaves you feeling tingly. it makes your heart thump just a bit faster, just a bit harder. it makes you swoon, it makes your heart flutter, it makes your time stop, it makes you grin.

it makes you feel loved.

just for that short 1s, before the real world forcefully pushes back into your attention span. the insecurites seep back in… “is he toying with me? just a random phrase that he doesn’t mean?” it’s inevitable for me at least, because i am an extremely insecure girl. i don’t know why, but i just am. that’s why i’m skeptical, to protect myself. but once i do dedicate myself, it’s very hard for me to save the remenants of my heart if it gets stepped on.

no pain, no gain huh?