Him and them

i’m afraid of people like him. people who are cheerful, really really cheerful. these kind of people always has a hidden, darker side that they choose to hide with their so called “joy”. but yet i choose to surround myself with these people, because they choose to reveal that troubled side they have to me, so that we know we can still be human, still be plagued by problems, but yet still laugh about it. as for him… i really have no idea what is the dark side he is hiding away so well.

maybe it is his past? about how he struggled to grow up amidst poverty? but he is doing well now isn’t he? then again i suppose these insecurities continue to plague a person even if they manage to break out of their poverty cycle. the fear of reverting back to the life of hardship. no i know he’s not afraid of that, he is more afraid for his mother dealing with that than him. so yea. maybe that’s what he’s trying to hide by being so happy-go-lucky all day long. oh wait no. he’s not even happy-go-lucky, his cheerfulness has a very disturbing tense-ness to it that… i’m not sure other people notice, but is very very obvious to me. such a paper-thin defence that can be seen through so easily, but underneath that is a very very thick layer of defence that i couldn’t even scratch the surface of.

occasionally he has shown me glimpses of his heart, but the defence barrier has never been striped away. and i guess what got me uncomfortable was that he kept asking me to bare myself to him, when he doesn’t do that himself. maybe that was why i felt so insecure with him, even though i know that he can protect me, but only physically. mentally and emotionally, he had a lot of baggage to deal with, so i knew (early on perhaps) that there was no way he can protect me in these 2 aspects. was i too naive, too idealistic, to have pushed it on? i think i was. i tried my very best to be positive, to have hope, but in the end our little fairytale ended, and i gave up first. maybe he hasn’t forgiven me for that, so he’s not talking to me at all now.

that brings me to the next point. he absolutely does not talk to me at all. and i still can’t wrap my head around that. it’s your fault uncle, you’ve made me expect him to continue a “friendship” after a relationship. but then i remember, we never had a friendship before our relationship. we were lovers way before we even thought of a friendship. is that another reason why? i don’t know i don’t know… all i know is he makes me feel as if all the things we’ve done last time didn’t mean enough for him to even think about maintaining a friendship with me. he makes me feel inadequate, and i hate to feel that way because i already know that i am. ahh… i used to say to myself, no friendships after a relationship, but now it just sounds cruel to me. having a friendship after a relationship tells the other party that, hey you’ve done things to hurt me, and i’ve done things to hurt you, but all that is done, and i appreciate you enough to still want you in my life.

now i understand uncle’s standpoint on this. and i totally agree with him. then again, is the idiot waiting for me to make the first move? i don’t know. all i know is i’m not as spontaneous as that. and if he is waiting, then too bad because i’m not gonna make the first move. i sound evil don’t i? well i’m still a conservative girl. and i really have nothing to say if i lose this friendship, because i never knew how life was like with him as a friend anyway. why miss something you’ve never experienced before? and anyhow he seems to be perfectly fine with the others, so i shall leave him to that.

i guess what i really wanted to say was… i’m just hurt that the others would go out with him and everything, but they’ve never asked me along for anything. maybe they didn’t know that i was staying for winter, so they assumed i was away for farmwork. but it just sucks to be the one left out in the cold doesn’t it? and that’s how i feel right now. i am not needed, so therefore i will not need! simple isn’t it? sounds like a woman with a vengeance if you ask me. but that’s the way they make me feel. i was never that close to them, and perhaps i will never be. you can’t make friends out of everyone.

but what’s this sense of disappointment that weighs down so heavily? is it that i’m disappointed in them not wanting to include me in their little gang, or disapointment in myself for not having tried hard enough to fit into their gang?

i hate feeling inadequate. seriously.

What’s real and what’s false?

i feel like being honest. being bare with myself. maybe it’s a stunt to increase readership (what for?). maybe it’s just the real me feeling sick of all the fakery i have weaved around myself. i want to let myself see all the stuff that i’ve done, to remember all the lies and truths i have hidden from myself. this is what makes up ME.

i have had 2 failed relationship. the first one lasted for 4 months, broken into 2 month periods with a 1 month break in between. it was with an online friend that i met on a game. we had sex. i was just a few months shy of my 19th birthday. i told myself before not to have sex till i was 19. my mom told me 21. i almost thought i got pregnant. thank goodness i didn’t. we had heavy petting before. he’s a good kisser.

the second one happened in year 1 of uni, when i was 19. it lasted for… i don’t even remember how long, but from april 2007 to feb 2008. with lots of breaks in between because we couldn’t meet up when we went back home for the holidays. we had sex too, on the night when we first got together. i always hated him for that. he is also a mother’s boy. his mother never approved of us being  together, to the point of threatening him to break up “or else”. i admit, i hated her for a while, but i thought we could work our way around it. my hopes in him was in vain. i don’t hate her anymore. i don’t hate him too. but i just can’t get rid of the bitter aftertaste of this relationship.

i have stolen comics from a small shop near my house before. think i must have stolen at least 10 books before my conscience kicked in and my sense of thrill was kicked out. i felt bad when that bookshop closed down a few years later.

i have cheated during exams before. it was in primary school, during the last few minutes of a math paper. i asked my friend and she pretended to drop an eraser on the floor and reached down to grab it with her paper in her hand. i copied. the teacher was out so she didn’t see. i felt good after that.

i once sprinkled baby powder all over the desk of my mom’s colleague. and stole some of her bookmarks. my mom had to clean it up before work the next day. she didn’t know about the bookmark.

i once tried to steal some (pretty) phonecards from my nanny. she found out and asked me gently to return it to her. i will never forget that sense of embarrassment and guilt.

my first kiss was given to a guy i met in primary 1, when i was 7 years old. we were curious about how kissing felt like after watching so much of it on tv.

i was in the trim-and-fit aka fat club in primary school, all the way till i was in secondary 1. i was really really fat.

i skipped NAPFA for my last year in JC. i passed everything but SBJ and didn’t go back for a retest. i think my teacher just let me pass.

can’t seem to remember more. but i will definitely update if i do.

Looking for a bit of companionship

i do mean it when i say i miss blogging. i don’t think i’ve never realised how good a medium it is for me to vent my frustrations in, and i’ll never be able to do it justice with my sporadic blogging from time to time. but i’m sure it doesnt hold grudges against me anyway. thanks honey.

been totally bogged down by school work… and just about 8743568 other stuff? finally decided i had enough of mugging tonight and wanted to blog instead. and i’m glad i made that decision. another thing that always gets me when it comes to blogging is that i need to upload photos that i want to be on the blog. which always takes up so much time, and by the time i’m done uploading the 1762345 photos all the stuff i wanted to write about would have flown out of my head. but still, nothing says as much as a picture.

has been contacting mega intensively for the past… 2 weeks now i think? i think we’re both enjoying our role-playing. we are in a “relationship” that requires no form of commitment at all, but yet we are choosing to immerse ourselves in our roles. he’s the “hubby” and i’m the “honey”, and we greet each other these way on msn and in game. thank goodness not on the phone though, but we have tried it before (and had a good laugh about it too). i can understand why he would want that though. a nice little free relationship with no need for obliged commitment, but still deriving joy from the amount of company we get with each other. hopefully it does teach him a thing or two about being in a real relationship, although i do have to say i have been extremely understanding and tolerant as a “wife”. but i think he does know when his actions may cause jealousy and tries his best to “correct it”. not a bad catch, but too bad he is really way too young for me. almost a 2 year difference in age. and he’s still a bit childish, despite possessing some maturity much beyond his tender age of 19 (this year).

just a picture of a training guide dog that we saw at the GDV. beautiful animals.

as for kc… i think i do realise that it’s pretty impossible for us? we are quite fundamentally different people. he tends to get pretty emotional at times, but at other times he can be very bubbly. ok wait that sounds like me actually. but his bubbly is different from my bubbly! he still sounds like a kid. ok no that sounds like me too. that’s how i behave in front of people. but the me inside knows the difference between being childish and being child-like. i know when i’m behaving in a child-like manner that i’m not really childish? but i don’t think kc has realised that yet. or maybe he does and he’s not restraining himself. yet, at the same time i don’t want to leave him in that sense? i know i always read too much into stuff and i’m always too hopeful, which is something i need to fix. but at least for this time i realised it early on and haven’t dedicated too much into this fruitless relationship. so we’re still hovering at the cliff, but i’m slowing inching my way back to safety. and i will try my very best to pull him back as well. we are gonna walk out of this unharmed. that’s my most sincere wish for him. he has been hurt too many times, and i’m hoping this won’t be a repeat of all the crap he has been through. i just wanna be by his side as a (naggy motherly figure) caring friend, and to see how he’s gonna grow up. well technically he is, but i want to see how that child-like figure in him slowly learns to grasp the cruelty of the world, and slowly mature. and i want to be there to catch him if he falls. that’s the least i can do.

a picture of a street performer. i was so entranced by his guitar skills that i actually stopped and pulled my earphones out to hear him, even though i was on the opposite side of the road.

and i guess he felt my intense stare eh? hope it didn’t make him feel uncomfortable to have an admiring fan secretly snapping away at him behind his back. ok that actually sounded quite scary.

my life seems to be revolving around these 2 guys as of the moment. but don’t worry i have a life outside of them too. interesting to see how guys and girls are able to get so close, despite the negative connotations in the society about how a guy can’t be purely friends with a girl and vice versa. i tend to believe that, but yet i believe that we can suppress that side of us that wants to bring this friendship up a notch. so yeap, a guy and a girl can’t be purely friends, but it’s their behaviour towards each other that directs the course of their relationship. i don’t deny that i do feel a buzz for these 2, but yet i do know that they are childish fantasies that don’t come true. but yet it is this attraction between sexes that promotes the continuation of a friendship. that desire to “satisfy” each other and to “please” each other seems to be ingrained and hardwired into our minds when it comes to matters relating to the opposite sex. must have been an ancient survival requirement in the past that was preserved all the way till now.

hence, in conclusion… no worries this isn’t an academic essay. so tired of those already sheesh. but that should have given a clue to the direction of this paragraph. yup it is time to say goodbye… but it won’t be like the long drawn goodbyes i have with kc. we always wait till the last few minutes before i’m actually gonna hang up before we actually start talking a lot more to each other. ah well… still better than hanging up and wishing we could have said more. time for a bit of me time after a long day in school.

ta.

Scarred?

i’ve been thinking more and more lately as me and kc get close and closer. well kinda. at least he dares to talk more on the phone. have i really become so weary after just 2 failed relationships? the more i think about them, the more i feel as if i’m unable to… love? to commit? maybe that’s why i’m enjoying time with kc, because there is no need for any commitment between us. i still have no idea what status we’re at. are we… flirting? or already assumed to be together? or still just friends? i think we’re friends on the verge of jumping into a relationship, but have yet to take the plunge. the amount of carefree-ness we have, the amount of feelings we choose to reveal to each other, it’s totally up to us. there is no “i should do this” or “he should not do that”, rules that come with a full fledged relationship, but yet we’re close enough to know what we should say and do, and what we should not say and do. maybe i’m afraid of commitment too. without commitment, i don’t have to burden myself with my expectations of the other party, because i know he has no right to expect anything from me too.

it’s the expectations that bring me down. how i would hope he can do this, and feeling disappointed when he doesn’t. but as of now, i still don’t feel that biting sense of disappointment when kc doesn’t meet my expectations, because i know he has no need to. or maybe i’m just getting used to being disappointed…

but i do think i have become more… afraid of committing. i don’t want to get into another relationship for a long long time. time for me to recover from the scars, from the lurking shadows of my previous experiences. i’m so tired of getting hurt again and again, and i’m so tired of letting myself get hurt too. i want to enjoy this feeling i get from being with kc. we expect so little from each other, but yet somehow i think we’re able to give each other what we want. which is still an interesting concept for me, because i never expected that there exists such a state between a guy and a girl who are neither friends nor lovers. amusing…

on a pretty random side note, i recently recalled the guy who tried to suicide in school. and i started to wonder why i cried that day. was it because i pitied him, who tried to suicide because his gf tried to break up with him? or was it because i was afraid to die, after witnessing the vulnerability of life up close? was i crying because i saw the look of absolute fear, but yet absolute love in the faces of those who tried to help him? or was i crying for all the people who were hurt by him because he hurt himself? i really don’t know. all i know is, those were real tears, after a drought of emotions for so long. and it was so good to taste the oasis again.

Guitar, game and holiday

been a while since i’ve last updated. so sorry if anyone out there actually bothers to check this blog for updates. i did tell myself to blog occasionally, but i suppose that thought has been pushed to the back of my head. was reading his blog just now. good to see that he’s trying to keep himself occupied with all his thoughts and ideas but… i find this side of him the most… foreign? the most cold and artificial. it’s one thing to be knowledgeable and commenting on policies etc, it’s another to try to sound professional while doing it. i just don’t like this side of him. and the other side when he gambles, but ah well let’s not go there shall we.

went marketing this sat… saw him together with the rest of the guys. well at least i saw him, not sure if he saw me, because we just squeezed past each other. my heart beat increased, but it was no longer that omg-look-there-he-is kind of excitement. it was more of a hey-he-looks-ok kind of sentiment. i really hope there is someone who is keeping the emotional side of him alive, because i can really imagine him becoming emotionless in the near future. and my emtional i don’t mean the occasional laughing and stuff, but his EQ. i have no worries with the way he deals with people. it’s just the way he opens up to them, or the lack thereof. there is something very empty about him, like he lacks a bit of emotional comprehensibility. having said that though, it can’t be denied that he went through a lot in his 22yrs on earth, and maybe some events have numbed him to the point of no return. but still, this is not an excuse to give up and not try.

i know who he reminds me of now. my5. they are the same kind of person, armed with loads of knowledge, and a bit of self smugness. ok a lot of self smugness in my5’s case, but the idea is there. it is extremely stimulating (not in the other sense) to get into a conversation with them, but when you try to prod further they sort of lose their… passion? it’s like all of a sudden the emotions drop out of their voice and you’re left wondering, holy smokes what did i say wrong? but then again people like them are very suited for work, since their lack of emotions will serve them well in a dog eat dog world. it’s people like them that i’m afraid of, because you can never know what they are thinking. on the surface they are calm and cool, and nothing ever disturbs that peace. but deep down inside there are storms and torrents that no one will ever know of. i suddenly remembered that time when a mutual friend’s laptop got stolen. his room was situated right next to the victim, so we thought his laptop might have been stolen as well. i looked to him as we rushed back home, to see if i could comfort him in any way. to my surprise (or maybe horror?), there was a look of absolute contemplation on his face. not the tiniest twinge of worry, or fear. just… contemplation. i tried to “calm” him down but he just kept silent, the whole way back. i was like… ooooookkay… so you were alright then. the amount of emotions he keeps surpressed… it’s just scary. i don’t want to be there the day he explodes.

i really hope and pray that someone is keeping that emotional side of him alive. if not it’s just gonna get lost amidst his 287589427520975 thoughts in his head. i have kc, no complaints about that. no matter how busy, how happy, how high or how sad i am, i know there’s kc to “fall back on”, even though he’s not a very good support. but i know he tries to be. and that alone touches me. the daily smses and the biweekly calls help too. i’m intrigued to see myself interacting with him in this way, knowing full well this isn’t the direction i want this relationship to head. but it’s fun. who knows, maybe we will hurt each other in the end, when we finally realise that we can’t be together. but as of now, he’s keeping that feeling of bliss in me alive. his presence reminds me of my ability and capability to love, reminds me how it feels like when my heart skips a beat, how it feels to smile from the bottom of my heart in pure joy. it’s been a while since anyone made me smile like he does.

the only tinge of regret i feel is that we can never be close friends. from the way he’s treating me now, i can tell that he’s trying his best to avoid contact with me. the sad thing was, we were never friends before this, so we have no relationship backgrounds to fall back on. we came onto each other fact and furious with a burning passion, and this let to our downfall. my bad my bad. he hasn’t had much experience with love, so i can’t really blame it on him. then again i am a noobie as well… kc will so scold me for calling myself a noobie. but anyhow, take heed when i say, give a relationship some time to develop, some space to breathe. yes so it is a case of i like you and you like me, but that’s no reason to start the relationship there and then. you need some time for the infatuation phase to die down, for the blaze to be doused down to a manageable flame. if by then the feelings are still there, and you have gained a deeper understanding of the dude, then would i give it the green light to go ahead. as they say, passion can only carry you so far. learnt my lesson the hard way. we promised so much to each other, and then proceeded on to break each and every single one of those promises.

now as i think about it, i’m becoming increasingly wary of getting into relationships, because i know at the end i will emerge battered and defeated, and even more bitter. which will just ruin the next relationship i get into because the previous one left me so drained and numbed. i know i say i learn lessons that i will apply in my next relationship, but i can feel myself becoming more and more tired, more and more cautious around this thing called love. i no longer feel the urge to throw myself in, to commit myself, to give it my all. time to hold back on my hand and keep it covered until i get to know more about the situation. as of now, kc is not really an option, though i do like to fantasize in my head what would happen if we did get together (hey all girls fantasize ok?).  if, and i mean if, we ever do, it will be extremely interesting, because our personality would clash like nuts. ah well one can’t deny the horoscope. a sagg and a capri just seem so unlikely, one so open and bright, the other so reserved and resigned. with some extreme sacrificing i do suppose it’s possible, but who’s to say we can do it? (who’s to say we can’t as well… haha it’s what-ifs like these that kill me)

ho regarding the guitar. i’ve been trying to learn! but i’m getting a suspicious nagging that i won’t be able to pick it up, because my fingers are ridiculously short. i can hardly reach past 2 frets. sheesh. kc is a better alternative. he used to say, i’ll play and you’ll sing ok? and i’m like, ok *smiles*. back to the guitar… so yep. i’ll just try along i suppose. i better pray for a miracle. because there is no way i can pick it up within this year i predict. no harm trying though, i’ll just come out of it with callous-ed fingers and a better appreciation for guitarists.

can’t stand the fact i wasted the holidays gaming. but anyhow.

school starts tmr, and it’s gonna be choochoo train the whole way for the next 9 weeks. hope i’ll emerge alive. *primal roar*

noooooooooooooooooo… don’t let it haunt you so much… you do a pretty good imitation of it!

Late Goodbye

my my school work is indeed taking a toll on me. i’ve decided to do my own notes for some of the subjects because i can’t stand the ones that they gave us, so disorganised. and so every night, i would faithfully take out the notes i copied during the day and transfer them into my word doc. well, i try to be faithful anyway.

i saw this quote the other day, and i felt all sourish inside. it said, i may not love you the way you want me to, but i do love you with my whole heart. my mind slowed down as it tried hard to understand this statement. my heart thumped harder because that was what it always knew. was it my fault again, for not trying hard enough? was it my fault again, for letting go of my loved one without putting up a struggle.

just like it was with him. i let him go, because i knew he had another girl, and he wouldn’t be coming back. this time though, i can say that i’ve tried really really hard. i beared with the pain, with the insecurities, with the insensitivities. but i guess in the end, i failed, didn’t i? i’ve failed to deliver my promises to him. i gave up. it’s as simple as that.

my gf keeps telling me i deserve better. do i? if i do, why do i keep bumping into relationships that, again and again, push my heart deeper into the little freezer it has created for itself? my friend told me about her brother, who was with a girl for 8 years. 8 years. i can’t even imagine that. he did go to army and go overseas for studies, but 8 years is still a long time. and the girl really tried her best to stick by him. but his perpetual absence in her life finally caused her to give up and fall into the arms of another man close to her. my friend’s brother was devastated of course, but he turned into a playboy after that, toying with girls’ hearts to his content.

isn’t that what i’m doing now? converting my bitterness into a bait for other men to pick up, just to see them oogle after me. even with kc. i know we won’t be together, but i’m unwilling to tell him that. somehow i like the attention he showers on me, even if it may only be 4 to 5 smses a day. us and our “primal roars/huggies/squeeks/meows”. “i kinda miss you”. little stuff that makes me smile, makes me feel wanted, makes me feel… important?

yups. i’m slowly learning the techniques of flirting. everyone wants to feel like they mean something to someone else. even if they have no feeling whatsoever for the other party, the very fact that they are being showered by attention feels good. i’m finally beginning to understand that. even for a couple in a relationship, it’s small sparks like these that keep the fire going. just a little sms, a short phone call, a bit of mushiness here and there…

i’m determined to apply these to my next relationship, whenever that might come. until then, let me enjoy the feeling of being wanted, finally.